Psychic Reading and Bums

Me and the girls went to 'Psychic Night with Derek n' Norah' down the pub last night. It was pretty interesting actually. At the start you could have a reading. You could choose from having your palm read or tarot cards. Bald Pete made a fortune from telling all the women that he was doing rumpology like Jackie Stallone. Apparently she can tell someones fortune from feeling your arse!  He'd made a hundred quid before anyone realised he wasn't an official psychic. He probably could have got away with it for a bit longer if Stinky Bernard hadn't decided that he wanted his fortune told and couldn't be bothered to queue for tarot. Barry the landlord chucked them both out in the end. Bald Pete for being a lying bastard and Stinky Bernard for getting his arse out in the pub. I felt bad for Bernard but also glad that Barry has managed to miss all the times I've done the same. One time the back of my jeans were right down to the back of my knees before I realised. I must have been pretty drunk because I didn't even notice someone putting the cocktail umbrella between my cheeks.

I had a psychic reading with Derek, he was pretty good and said that he'd spoken to all sorts of famous people on the other side like Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Percy Thrower. He had a spirit guide called Jenobo who he said lived centuries before in a bedouin tribe. Apparently my Nan was there in spirit talking to Jenobo and they were having a conversation about Coronation Street. He described Nan as a small lady with white hair and shining eyes, which I said didn't sound like her as Nan was almost six foot, dyed her hair 'Lovely Locks Satan Black' and had to use eye drops for the redness. When I told him this, he said the spirit world was very foggy and it could well have been Granpa.  He also told me that I needed to watch out for a blue car, and also that I was going to find something that was lost very soon.  I hope it's the handbag I lost the other night, I was really annoyed to lose it, not only did it have a fiver in but it also had a glow in the dark condom, a pack of juicy fruit gum and a whole pack of Tena Lady incontinence pads. I don't need to wear them but they are very useful if you've got to walk home from the pub. I used to squat in peoples gardens for a piss but stopped after I slipped backwards on a wet leaf and got a garden ornament wedged somewhere it shouldn't have been. 

Pubic Enemy..

I'm enjoying doing the phone chat but it is pretty hard sometimes. It's okay when all they want you to do is breathe down the phone. I can do that because breathing is something I'd be doing anyway. But it's the pretending that sometimes gets a bit difficult. I'm a very honest person and so when they ask me questions like 'what are you wearing' sometimes it throws me off guard and I actually tell them! The other day it was giant pants from Asda, a pair of wellies and a t-shirt I got cheap from the market due to a printing error. It was meant to be a Public Enemy t-shirt but the trainee forgot to put the 'l' on it. Kev said pubic enemy would be a good name for hair removal cream. That was one of the funniest things Kev ever said. Actually I think it was the only funny thing he ever said.

My honesty gets me into trouble sometimes. It did with Kev, like the time he asked me what I liked best about his body and I told him it was the fact that he was so fat he made me look dead slim when I was next to him. Now he's going out with fat Carol who is just as round as him! I imagine him and Carol running at each other and bouncing off like those people wearing inflatable sumo suits. I bet they are like two walruses mating. I saw them the other day coming out of the bakery. Carol was wearing leggings which was a huge mistake as she had the worst camel toe ever. It was more like a whole camel foot! It put images in my mind I don't want to even think about! I mean Kev isn't the biggest man ever. Well he is. But he has a tiny cock. It would be like a small canoe going up the suez canal. Sometimes when we were in bed instead of thinking about shopping or cakes I'd come up with names for his small cock. I had 'petit peni' 'tiny todger' 'mini member' 'weenie wiener' and 'diddy dick'. Luckily he stopped asking me what I was thinking since the time  I told him I was thinking about Sid from the butchers and half a pound of best sausage. Well, he did ask! I'm just way too honest for my own good.

Oh shit, look at the time. I need to go to sleep. I have someone from the council coming round in the morning and I need to rearrange the spare room to make it look as if Gran is still alive. Bloody bedroom tax! Luckily it's pension day tomorrow so at least I can go to the pub later!

Shopping!!

I got paid yesterday so me and Dawn went on a girly day of shopping. It was mental fun!

We started off at Wetherspoons with a pint to get us on our way and got the 9am bus to town. I don't like getting the bus really because of all the morons on there. If you want to listen to your music loud I don't see why you shouldn't. Anyway I think the rest of the bus were enjoying it. It was just him that said something. Who the hell doesn't like 2Unlimited? 

Once we got there we spent a hilarious hour in Ann Summers laughing at all the stuff. Dawns Gran had got her an Ann Summers voucher for her birthday which she spent on a PVC nurses costume, a handbag sized vibrator (one that fits in your bag, not one the same size as your bag, they were too expensive) and some glow in the dark massage oil. I bought some chocolate body paint in a squeezy tube which is much easier to put on your pancakes than the stuff in the jar. I don't tend to use it in the bedroom as, although it smells nice it makes all your clothes stick to you afterwards and once I managed to get a smear of it on my white skirt and Oswald thought I'd shit myself. 

We also went to the make up counter in Debenhams to get new make up. The girl on the counter said I was wearing foundation that was 5 shades to dark for me! That surprised me as I thought it was at least seven shades darker. She also when you put it on you have to blend it into your neck! LOL. They will say anything to make you buy stuff. It's for your face you idiot! We didn't buy anything in there as it's way too dear. So we went to the pound shop and got some stuff there which was good. I always get Oswalds aftershave from there as he wears Crisp Winter which is the cheap copy of Cool Water. It smells lovely for the first hour but then smells a bit gone off.  I managed to get one of the first pound shop copies of the new Katy Perry perfume just as they were putting on the shelf. It says on the box 'Hog the Bog' instead of 'Own the Throne' but it smells lovely. Like air freshener mixed with a faint scent of spice.  Although that sounds a bit like my bathroom on a Sunday morning! LOL! 

Hello, my name is Ameeeeelia....

Sorry I've been a bit shit at blogging lately. I've been well busy! I managed to get myself a job. I am a operator for a sex chat line! I was one of the live webcam ones but all the blokes that signed on and saw me on screen didn't stay on for very long. I think they were having the same problem as Kev, he just found me so irresistible that it didn't take very long at all. Sometimes I hadn't even got me knickers off. One time I hadn't even come out of the bathroom.

Anyway, they moved me onto just the phone line and I got myself a cordless headset that I wear so I can go and have a wee and stuff even if I'm on the phone. It's pretty good actually although sometimes I forget that someone is there listening, especially if they are just breathing and snorting. The dog makes the same sounds when he's cleaning his arse so sometimes I think it's him and forget about the people on the other end of the phone, unless they say something like 'I'm coming' dead loud.That happened the other day, I was sat having my lunch and they said something like 'I'm almost there'  and it was so bloody loud I dropped my steak pie down my front and ended up shouting things like 'oh that's hot' and 'oh god it's spurting all over the place' and 'it's dripping down my leg'. Luckily the bloke didn't seem to mind and is now one of my best customers.

Last week I had a dead bad cold though and my voice went really deep and husky, I was a bit worried that I would have to have some days off and not be earning but luckily they put me on a different number and I pretended I was a bloke called Christopher. It was a bit awkward though when the man from the council was round checking the boiler and I had to be on the phone saying things like 'I have a massive cock too'. I had to pretend I was talking to a chicken breeder on the phone as I'm meant to be unemployed and I don't want them stopping my dole yet. Not till I've finished paying for my new hot tub for the back garden.

Morning After!

Home now! I kipped at Dawns last night as neither of us pulled. We almost did but unfortunately, when we got outside into the light they were able to see their watch and they realised that they had to run and catch the last bus. Dawn said they could come back to ours but one of them had athletes foot and had left his medication at home so they had to go. I got one of their numbers though so will give him a call tomorrow.

It's bloody boiling out there today, which luckily made my 'walk of shame' less obvious as there were at least three other girls walking through the precinct in bikinis. Still didn't stop people staring but as I kept saying to them, it costs nothing to look this good and 'starers gotta stare'. Someone else was shouting 'tuck it back in' but it was just for show in front of his girlfriend as she'd clocked him looking.  Anyway, like I was saying, let them stare. They are just way jealous.  Brb. Just going for a piss.

Back, just looked in the mirror and noticed my boob was hanging out.

Anyway, from what I can remember last night was excellent. Me and Dawn walked back past the kebab shop. They do a pretty good offer there, any woman that flashes their arse can get a free can of drink with their kebab meal. Result!

Night out!

I'm off out tonight with Dawn which should be good. She's wild, she is. We're off to Glamour Chicks and luckily if you turn up wearing a bikini you get in free and get given a free cocktail, which is good as I'm a bit skint at the moment. I'll just have to be a bit careful getting there as last time we went I got stopped by the police on the way. They said I was 'outraging public decency' 'causing alarm and distress' and could get done for indecent exposure. It wasn't on purpose though and only one of my flaps had slipped out. Talk about over reacting. I wish they'd do what theyre meant to and solve crimes and shit, Dawns sat nav got stole the other day and they've still not found it. It's not like it was cheap either, it cost her thirty quid from Daz from the pub. He had a few on him but that were the best one.

I've been looking at the papers for jobs and stuff today but they're all really boring. There was one though that I think I might apply for. It's working in the dentist and it's pretty good money and I might be able to get free whitening done too. I've not got bad teeth which me Mam is pleased about seeing as the rest of my family would fit in on the Jeremy Kyle show. I reckon they need to combine Jeremy Kyle with a makeover show. I'd watch it more then. Not that I don't watch it now but I tend to only watch it if there's someone I know on it. I'm not really a regular viewer.

Oswald hasn't texted me for a couple of days, he was annoyed at me because I sent 'LOL' in reply to the photo he texted me the other day where he was naked and wearing clogs. How can you not laugh at that? Men shouldn't be allowed to wear clogs.  Actually, men shouldn't be allowed to wear a lot of footwear. I hate mens toes. I used to have to remind Kev to keep his socks on. His toes were so hairy that his feet looked like five mice chewing a pork chop.

Signing On..

I've just been down the jobcentre to sign on. Apparently if you walk out of your job you can't get any money for a bit, which I don't think is very fair at all. If you don't like your job you should be able to get dole.
Anyway, I told them I was forced to leave as the boss kept looking at me funny over the chilled counter and would lick his lips whilst holding up a packet of chicken drumsticks. I told the woman this and she sat up straight and said no woman should be forced to tolerate that sort of sexist behaviour and  signed me on straight away. Whilst I was there I looked at some of the jobs that were available but there wasn't much that I fancied. Lots of care home jobs but there's no way I can stand working with old people. Just going to see my Nan is bad enough. She always stank of wee and fags though, even when she was much younger. We call her 'Pissy Pauline'. Lately she's hooked up with Mr Patel from down the road. His wife died last year and he's a bit lonely.  I wasn't sure how he could stand to be near her but apparently he has sinus problems and likes playing blackjack.

Talking of stinking of wee, I'm going through febreze like there's no tomorrow since Kev pissed on my mattress. I might have to buy a new one soon which makes me think I'm going to have to get some sort of work to top up my dole. They really won't be giving me enough to live on. Shame I'm infertile, I could have had at least eight kids by now and wouldn't need to work again.  Damn my  broken ovarians! Still, at least I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter when I go out to bingo. Cousin Pam always takes hers with her and puts them under the table with a bottle of irn bru and a blanket for if they get tired. But then she is a devoted mother.

I Quit!

I've had enough! I just quit Spar. My boss said I needed to hand in a resignation letter so I wrote 'Fuck you' and sellotaped it to his head. I think that should do it.

It doesn't matter anyway as I will have the book printed and ready to sell shortly. I have already got a space on Uncle Malc's market stall promised where I can sell it. Malc is a butcher but I told him the book had bits about 'meat and two veg' lol. I think he thinks it's a cookery book.

I might pop down the pub in a minute and see if they want me to reprise my 'Fat Lady Gaga' act. It always goes down well when I do it, and I get bought lots of drinks too. The best night so far was when I went and copied her meat dress look. Barry the landlord provided some buttered baps and at the end of it all the punters helped themselves to the bits of spam I'd stapled to my undies. I felt a bit like one of those things that hang behind the bar with the packs of peanuts on. The ones with the half naked women which makes all the old pervs by more peanuts so they can see more of her.

I've just looked in my purse and am thinking I might not have done the right thing. I only have a tenner and that's got to buy forty fags, some white lightning and a three pack of condoms for Friday night. Me and Dawn are off to 'Glamour Chicks' nightclub as it's free entrance and a cocktail for women who turn up wearing bikinis.

Salami

I know I should have written more stuff lately but I've been so busy trying to finish my book and working double shifts at Spar. I'm getting a bit sick of it actually. I got a warning the other day for eating a salami at the checkout. The manager said I'd made it worse by eating it 'suggestively' but I was just trying to get all the flavour out whilst the customer fannied about re-arranging her cat food on the counter. 

I've practically finished my book now. I just need to draw two more penises and a pair of boobs and I'm done. I hope people buy it. The woman that did Fifty Shades of Grey got loads of money for writing a load of fantasies that she made up to escape from her boring life. At least I'm living the dream, I can see a penis any time I want to. In fact, I can see one now as I can see into my neighbours window from here and he's walking round naked, like he thinks no one is watching him. What a total perv!

 

My old friend Neville used to live near to Deirdre from Coronation Street and she didn't have frosted windows in her bathroom. Well, not until Neville had his mates round and she got treated to lots of shouts of 'Deirdre's having a pooh'. I felt a bit sorry for her when he told me, but who doesn't have frosted glass in their toilet? That's asking for trouble. The only person I know that doesn't have them is Stinky Bernard, not since he slipped and fell headfirst into his window. The council boarded it up but he took it down. He says the lack of window reminds him of when he was a kid and his mum made him crap in the neighbours garden. 

I haven't seen much of Oswald lately as he is doing a stripping tour around Holland it's called 'Nether Regions in the Netherlands' but he should be back soon. He sends me nice texts and photos of his cock which is nice but a bit boring really as it looks the same in each picture. I might suggest he starts putting mini hats on it, or drawing a face on it just so I know he's not sending the same photo over and over. 

I'm finishing this here as I can smell a really horrible smell and it's putting me off.

Spaniels

My book is coming along pretty good I think. Margaret who owns the bookshop in town says she'll stock ten copies once it's done. She's dyslexic I don't know if she can even actually read, to be honest. She inherited the shop from her dead husband and just spends the time sat on the counter doing her nails. She got raided a while back because a load of jihadists were stocking books in the business section. She got a fine but wasn't send to prison or owt. She thought they'd said profit.

I am quite artistic but even I'm having trouble with the drawings of the positions. It took me a few hours the other night to draw a penis that didn't look like a spaniels face with droopy ears. I think I'm getting better at it though. I might set up a website soon too. I'm seeing Oswald tonight but it's getting a bit boring to be honest, it's okay, but he's a bit vain and his beauty products take up way too much space in the bathroom when he stays over.Also, when we have sex he spends way too much time looking at himself in the mirror and practicing his orgasm face.  The other night he'd forgotten his baby oil and had a bit of a hissy fit. I told him he could use one of my solid massage bars from lush but forgotten I'd used it to free Kev when he got his head stuck between the bars of my bed. I had to spray a small piece of lard with some deodorant in the end. I do like watching him do his stripping/dance show down the local pub though and I like that the other girls are jealous. But I get a bit annoyed when he rubs his crotch in OAPs faces, even if they do enjoy it and give him money. He got a bit too close the other day and Mr Perkins false teeth fell out.

Book!

Well, I can tell you that I'm now over Kev. Not that I was ever under him much. It was a bit like having an elephant as a duvet! After several cracked ribs I had to demand we found new positions. Which has been a blessing in disguise, as I am now working on my book on how to do sex! It's called 'Sexciting Adventures' and has positions such as 'tossing the caber' and 'toad in the hole'. All of which I have thought of myself! 

I haven't seen Kev much lately. I went round a few days ago to get the bottle of lube I'd left round there as Oswald the stripper was coming round that night. He didn't answer the door, and as I knew where he keeps his spare key I thought I'd just go in and grab it only to find him and porky Carol from number 33 rolling around on a black PVC sheet on top of a load of profiteroles! 

Things are going great with Oswald though, he's VERY well endowed. More so than Kev, who I had to stop having naked picnics with since a very unfortunate incident where I thought there was a cocktail sausage in with the scotch eggs, it was covered in mustard and half in my mouth before I realised. 

My book is almost finished, it's taken me ages to do all the drawings for it but luckily I have some photos of Kev on my computer that I can include in the chapter 'Fun with doughnuts'   

I Miss Kev

I can't write much today, I feel a bit sad about Kev. I mean, he wasn't all that and he was tremendously fat and a bit boring. But I will miss him. I've been thinking about all the times we've had together, like the time that we did Cosmopolitan magazines 'position of the week' and his back locked, the time that his landlord walked in when we were playing naked twister and the time I decided to lick ice cream off his bits not realising he was allergic to strawberries. We did have some fun together. And I'm really depressed. Apart from the ten seconds outside of 'Champagnes' that doesn't even really count (see post below) I haven't even looked at another man. Kev was my everything. He was my world. I'm even going to miss his hairy back.
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.


Wooooo!!! The male stripper I gave my number to at Kaths hen party just this second texted me!  I wasn't sure if he would. Normally, you have a snog and a grope with someone round the back of the pub and never hear from them again..

Battenburg

Kev finished with me this morning.  I'm not sure how long it will last this time but he seemed pretty narked with me. It started last night when he came round. He was still pretty annoyed about his hospital visit and nothing was really cheering him up. So I suggested a bit of bondage. Well, Kev used to be a Sea Scout, so anything to do with rope and knots he really enjoys, so he was really up for that. I got a bit annoyed at him telling me what knot to do (and what not to do! LOL) and giving me instructions so I stuffed a pair of my knickers in his mouth. Don't worry, I'd only worn them once! I tied him up and was just about to go and put on my shiny black outfit I'd made ( I've worked out it cost me 77p to make! That's pretty good value isn't it!) when Mrs Potts from down the road knocked on the door and asked me if I'd seen Fluffy.
I knew I'd seen him earlier by the off licence so I walked back down with her to see if we could spot him. Luckily, on the way we saw him doing a shit in Stinky Bernards garden. Mrs Potts was so pleased she offered me a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Well, I love cake so how could I resist. After a few pieces of battenburg I was on my way home when I bumped into Dawn who had a voucher for bingo. Ten quids worth of free games! It was turning into my lucky night. My night got even better when I won £75 on one of the games. That called for a celebration so we went to the pub on the way back, and then back to Dawns to finish off the last of the Ouzo  that her Mum brought her back from her holidays.  I drank so much I fell asleep on her sofa and finally wandered home around 11 to watch This Morning. When I arrived I found the window cleaner and two of his mates stood on the bay window looking into my bedroom. It was then I realised I'd left Kev tied to my bed.  He was pretty cross and I might need to get a new mattress if the Febreze doesn't work. Hopefully, he'll forgive me soon.

Hungover..

I'm so hungover I don't think it's possible to write much today. Kaths hen do was bloody great. We had the lot, strippers, giant inflatable cocks to carry, even some that whistled when you blew them! I best not try that on Kev though, he's still feeling a bit fragile. He's home from the hospital though, which is good but in a really bad mood. Not even the crotchless undies cheered him up! The only thing that made him smile was a cheese and onion pasty from Greggs.  Anyway, I can't be bothered doing much today so I'm just lying around in my undies reading. Just read an article on the Cosmopolitan site about when to introduce sex toys into your relationship! Probably best not to do what I did. I thought it would be good to surprise Kev with it first thing in the morning when he was asleep. He's not a morning person but I've never seen him jump out of bed so fast! Apparently you're meant to use lots of lube. Before me Kev didn't really know much about toys. He thought a cock ring was 'to make it look nice for parties' Well, I don't know what sort of parties he was going to! LOL!

Eurgh. Think I'm going to be sick. Friday night's kebab wasn't probably the best thing to eat for breakfast when I'm feeling fragile.

Vajasterous

I've just come back from the hospital. I'm okay luckily but Kevs had a bit of a traumatic time and they are keeping him in for observation.  It started yesterday when I had a girlie day out with me mates. It's Kaths hen party this weekend and so we thought we'd do something classy and get a vajazzle. I'd wanted one ever since I saw it on The Only Way is Essex.  It was a bit of an experience and I almost got chucked out after punching the woman. I didn't mean to, I just didn't know they had to wax you first. It was well painful! I just thought they nestled some diamantes in between the hair. Well, I know now. I had to tell her I had tourettes and it was part of the syndrome. To be more believable I shouted 'sparkly pussy' every few minutes.  It took a while deciding what to get but in the end I chose a butterfly alighting on a pint of beer.  And it looked great! Kath got a dolphin, Kerry got a rose and Dawn got a moustache made out of black diamante. After seeing it I wish I'd got the same.  I went home and had me tea and waited for Kev to come over. You should have seen his face light up when I whipped me pants off!  He went down there to inspect further and I was really enjoying  it (well as much as I can when I'm concentrating on making sure my pelvic muscles are tight) but after a minute or so he started making a funny noise. Well, I'd given myself a proper scrub with the flannel so I knew I didn't smell.  At first I thought he was having a heart attack or something and panicked but turns out he'd breathed in too hard and several diamantes had gone up his nose.  The doctors are waiting to see if they will dislodge themselves and are keeping him in overnight.

Here's One I Made Earlier :)

Kev asked me the other day to dress up as one of them dominatrix women. I said yeah but that was before I saw the prices of the outfits. They are well expensive! I suppose the good thing about them is that they are wipe clean so you could wear them to toddlers parties and paintballing and get your moneys worth, but at the moment I'm a bit too skint to buy anything. Luckily I grew up watching Blue Peter and thought I'll make my own! Kev was amazed by my outfit made from two black bin bags and the dogs old lead. I did do Madonna style pointy tits but when I painted two ice cream cones in black gloss, they went a bit soggy and ended up pointing down and to the side. Kev was so happy he only lasted ten seconds, so I'm not sure I'll do it again. On the plus side I ordered him to mow the lawn for me (no, I don't mean shave my minge, I meant the actual grass in the garden) before he got any action and I stood there in my outfit hitting my hand with Gramps back scratcher and drinking a can of Woodpecker trying to look stern.  The lawn was a bit of a mess though. Kev says it's because of randy moles. I'm not sure what an American country singer wants with my lawn but he can sod off. LOLZ.  I am getting a bit sick of the neighbours being so bloody nosy though. The kid from next door was jumping higher and higher on his trampoline trying to get a better look before his Mum called him in for tea. 

Dogging Part 2

I've just come back from dogging. It was so cold I can still hang a hat off my nipples. I just tried with Gramps old flat cap and it stayed on a whole minute.  It was quite eventful. We got to the middle of the park and I took me tracksuit off and got down to my undies. There was some people already there waiting and they had a fire going. They all seemed a bit surprised to see me, but when you're dogging you have to always act surprised just in case someone is an undercover copper.  I wasn't too sure what to do so I did a bit of a sexy dance and did some twirls and stuff like that. They didn't look too impressed until I took my bra off and then someone said 'Jesus Christ' so I think they really liked it. I couldn't really see much as it was very dark and I couldn't really see out the mask but I knew they were enjoying it so I took off my knickers too.  Someone had obviously too much drink to settle their nerves ( I had to drink two whole bottles of White Lightning and a bottle of white rum before I left the house tonight!) as I could hear them being sick behind a tree, which kind of put me off a bit as it put me off my rhythm. Whenever I need to do a sexy dance I hum 'Theres No Limit' by 2Unlimited. It's just right and has a sexy beat but the person being sick put me off my stride and by that time I'd got a bit tired and my thighs were chafing so I wandered off to find Kev. He hadn't come with me as he needed to go for a 'number two' so went to find a bush before getting down to 'business'. I finally found him and he was all too happy to go home as he'd been bitten on his cock by an ant and it had swollen up to the size of one of those haggis things you can get in Asda. I had a good time with one of those once so I made him hurry home and got a few bounces on it before it deflated. It was great.  BEST SEX YET!

Dogging! Woof!

I'd noticed that he didn't seem as excited to see me as he used to. To be exact, he's at least two centimetres less excited than he used to be.  I pointed it out, but he said it was because he'd just had a hot shower and things shrink in a hot wash. I know my Nan used to say this a lot. Maybe Gramps had the same problem.

Later he asked me if I'd ever been dogging. He looked at me a bit funny when I said I used to go with me Dad every Thursday night, but I explained that you could get a free bet, a pint of lager and a pie for a fiver. Which, in my mind, is pretty good value. Anyway, apparently dogging is where you go and have sex outside and other people watch and join in. I thought he'd heard about the time I went to 'Champagnes' club and was trying to catch me out, so I denied all knowledge. It wasn't really proper sex as it was only in for ten seconds before a policeman shouted at us and we went home.

   He said he'd watched a program about it  and thought it looked interesting so I said we could try it out. He said that because it's all meant to be top secret that we needed a mask. I wasn't going to spend my fag and booze money on new ones as I had two left over from Halloween. I let him have first choice and he chose the Bart Simpson one.

I'm back!

Hello, all. I haven't been able to blog for a while as I've been 'away'. According to the benefits people and judges, working as a 'fat Lady Gaga strippergram' at the weekends is apparently a job.

I thought he'd be more pleased to see me, as the only thing he does is go to Over Eaters Anon.  When I dropped by, he answered the door wearing nothing but a smile and a Greggs pasty bag. He looked surprised but I think it was because he was expecting me back next week. We got down to it in front of the gas fire and it was great, although some woman kept banging on the door shouting 'let me in big boy, I've got pies and cake'. He said it was someone from down the road that had got drunk and got their houses mixed up. He said the neighbourhood has gone down since I've been away.  I was pleased I'd been using the prison gym whilst I'd been gone as he commented on my flexibility, as now I'm able to get into the doggy style position, which was great, although my tummy tended to slap against my knees a bit too much. I sounded like I was giving myself a round of applause.

Action!

I didn't see him tonight as he was at his Over Eaters Anon meeting so I thought I'd have myself some alone fun. I'd ordered the 3D version of The Lovers Guide and settled down to watch it with a glass of lambrusco and some crisps. It was quite educational but the 3D was a bit off putting as I kept jumping every time a giant willy came out of the screen towards me.

Here is a picture I drew of when I was watching a film about worms in 3D.