I Miss Kev

I can't write much today, I feel a bit sad about Kev. I mean, he wasn't all that and he was tremendously fat and a bit boring. But I will miss him. I've been thinking about all the times we've had together, like the time that we did Cosmopolitan magazines 'position of the week' and his back locked, the time that his landlord walked in when we were playing naked twister and the time I decided to lick ice cream off his bits not realising he was allergic to strawberries. We did have some fun together. And I'm really depressed. Apart from the ten seconds outside of 'Champagnes' that doesn't even really count (see post below) I haven't even looked at another man. Kev was my everything. He was my world. I'm even going to miss his hairy back.
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.


Wooooo!!! The male stripper I gave my number to at Kaths hen party just this second texted me!  I wasn't sure if he would. Normally, you have a snog and a grope with someone round the back of the pub and never hear from them again..

Battenburg

Kev finished with me this morning.  I'm not sure how long it will last this time but he seemed pretty narked with me. It started last night when he came round. He was still pretty annoyed about his hospital visit and nothing was really cheering him up. So I suggested a bit of bondage. Well, Kev used to be a Sea Scout, so anything to do with rope and knots he really enjoys, so he was really up for that. I got a bit annoyed at him telling me what knot to do (and what not to do! LOL) and giving me instructions so I stuffed a pair of my knickers in his mouth. Don't worry, I'd only worn them once! I tied him up and was just about to go and put on my shiny black outfit I'd made ( I've worked out it cost me 77p to make! That's pretty good value isn't it!) when Mrs Potts from down the road knocked on the door and asked me if I'd seen Fluffy.
I knew I'd seen him earlier by the off licence so I walked back down with her to see if we could spot him. Luckily, on the way we saw him doing a shit in Stinky Bernards garden. Mrs Potts was so pleased she offered me a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Well, I love cake so how could I resist. After a few pieces of battenburg I was on my way home when I bumped into Dawn who had a voucher for bingo. Ten quids worth of free games! It was turning into my lucky night. My night got even better when I won £75 on one of the games. That called for a celebration so we went to the pub on the way back, and then back to Dawns to finish off the last of the Ouzo  that her Mum brought her back from her holidays.  I drank so much I fell asleep on her sofa and finally wandered home around 11 to watch This Morning. When I arrived I found the window cleaner and two of his mates stood on the bay window looking into my bedroom. It was then I realised I'd left Kev tied to my bed.  He was pretty cross and I might need to get a new mattress if the Febreze doesn't work. Hopefully, he'll forgive me soon.

Hungover..

I'm so hungover I don't think it's possible to write much today. Kaths hen do was bloody great. We had the lot, strippers, giant inflatable cocks to carry, even some that whistled when you blew them! I best not try that on Kev though, he's still feeling a bit fragile. He's home from the hospital though, which is good but in a really bad mood. Not even the crotchless undies cheered him up! The only thing that made him smile was a cheese and onion pasty from Greggs.  Anyway, I can't be bothered doing much today so I'm just lying around in my undies reading. Just read an article on the Cosmopolitan site about when to introduce sex toys into your relationship! Probably best not to do what I did. I thought it would be good to surprise Kev with it first thing in the morning when he was asleep. He's not a morning person but I've never seen him jump out of bed so fast! Apparently you're meant to use lots of lube. Before me Kev didn't really know much about toys. He thought a cock ring was 'to make it look nice for parties' Well, I don't know what sort of parties he was going to! LOL!

Eurgh. Think I'm going to be sick. Friday night's kebab wasn't probably the best thing to eat for breakfast when I'm feeling fragile.

Vajasterous

I've just come back from the hospital. I'm okay luckily but Kevs had a bit of a traumatic time and they are keeping him in for observation.  It started yesterday when I had a girlie day out with me mates. It's Kaths hen party this weekend and so we thought we'd do something classy and get a vajazzle. I'd wanted one ever since I saw it on The Only Way is Essex.  It was a bit of an experience and I almost got chucked out after punching the woman. I didn't mean to, I just didn't know they had to wax you first. It was well painful! I just thought they nestled some diamantes in between the hair. Well, I know now. I had to tell her I had tourettes and it was part of the syndrome. To be more believable I shouted 'sparkly pussy' every few minutes.  It took a while deciding what to get but in the end I chose a butterfly alighting on a pint of beer.  And it looked great! Kath got a dolphin, Kerry got a rose and Dawn got a moustache made out of black diamante. After seeing it I wish I'd got the same.  I went home and had me tea and waited for Kev to come over. You should have seen his face light up when I whipped me pants off!  He went down there to inspect further and I was really enjoying  it (well as much as I can when I'm concentrating on making sure my pelvic muscles are tight) but after a minute or so he started making a funny noise. Well, I'd given myself a proper scrub with the flannel so I knew I didn't smell.  At first I thought he was having a heart attack or something and panicked but turns out he'd breathed in too hard and several diamantes had gone up his nose.  The doctors are waiting to see if they will dislodge themselves and are keeping him in overnight.

Here's One I Made Earlier :)

Kev asked me the other day to dress up as one of them dominatrix women. I said yeah but that was before I saw the prices of the outfits. They are well expensive! I suppose the good thing about them is that they are wipe clean so you could wear them to toddlers parties and paintballing and get your moneys worth, but at the moment I'm a bit too skint to buy anything. Luckily I grew up watching Blue Peter and thought I'll make my own! Kev was amazed by my outfit made from two black bin bags and the dogs old lead. I did do Madonna style pointy tits but when I painted two ice cream cones in black gloss, they went a bit soggy and ended up pointing down and to the side. Kev was so happy he only lasted ten seconds, so I'm not sure I'll do it again. On the plus side I ordered him to mow the lawn for me (no, I don't mean shave my minge, I meant the actual grass in the garden) before he got any action and I stood there in my outfit hitting my hand with Gramps back scratcher and drinking a can of Woodpecker trying to look stern.  The lawn was a bit of a mess though. Kev says it's because of randy moles. I'm not sure what an American country singer wants with my lawn but he can sod off. LOLZ.  I am getting a bit sick of the neighbours being so bloody nosy though. The kid from next door was jumping higher and higher on his trampoline trying to get a better look before his Mum called him in for tea. 

Dogging Part 2

I've just come back from dogging. It was so cold I can still hang a hat off my nipples. I just tried with Gramps old flat cap and it stayed on a whole minute.  It was quite eventful. We got to the middle of the park and I took me tracksuit off and got down to my undies. There was some people already there waiting and they had a fire going. They all seemed a bit surprised to see me, but when you're dogging you have to always act surprised just in case someone is an undercover copper.  I wasn't too sure what to do so I did a bit of a sexy dance and did some twirls and stuff like that. They didn't look too impressed until I took my bra off and then someone said 'Jesus Christ' so I think they really liked it. I couldn't really see much as it was very dark and I couldn't really see out the mask but I knew they were enjoying it so I took off my knickers too.  Someone had obviously too much drink to settle their nerves ( I had to drink two whole bottles of White Lightning and a bottle of white rum before I left the house tonight!) as I could hear them being sick behind a tree, which kind of put me off a bit as it put me off my rhythm. Whenever I need to do a sexy dance I hum 'Theres No Limit' by 2Unlimited. It's just right and has a sexy beat but the person being sick put me off my stride and by that time I'd got a bit tired and my thighs were chafing so I wandered off to find Kev. He hadn't come with me as he needed to go for a 'number two' so went to find a bush before getting down to 'business'. I finally found him and he was all too happy to go home as he'd been bitten on his cock by an ant and it had swollen up to the size of one of those haggis things you can get in Asda. I had a good time with one of those once so I made him hurry home and got a few bounces on it before it deflated. It was great.  BEST SEX YET!

Dogging! Woof!

I'd noticed that he didn't seem as excited to see me as he used to. To be exact, he's at least two centimetres less excited than he used to be.  I pointed it out, but he said it was because he'd just had a hot shower and things shrink in a hot wash. I know my Nan used to say this a lot. Maybe Gramps had the same problem.

Later he asked me if I'd ever been dogging. He looked at me a bit funny when I said I used to go with me Dad every Thursday night, but I explained that you could get a free bet, a pint of lager and a pie for a fiver. Which, in my mind, is pretty good value. Anyway, apparently dogging is where you go and have sex outside and other people watch and join in. I thought he'd heard about the time I went to 'Champagnes' club and was trying to catch me out, so I denied all knowledge. It wasn't really proper sex as it was only in for ten seconds before a policeman shouted at us and we went home.

   He said he'd watched a program about it  and thought it looked interesting so I said we could try it out. He said that because it's all meant to be top secret that we needed a mask. I wasn't going to spend my fag and booze money on new ones as I had two left over from Halloween. I let him have first choice and he chose the Bart Simpson one.

I'm back!

Hello, all. I haven't been able to blog for a while as I've been 'away'. According to the benefits people and judges, working as a 'fat Lady Gaga strippergram' at the weekends is apparently a job.

I thought he'd be more pleased to see me, as the only thing he does is go to Over Eaters Anon.  When I dropped by, he answered the door wearing nothing but a smile and a Greggs pasty bag. He looked surprised but I think it was because he was expecting me back next week. We got down to it in front of the gas fire and it was great, although some woman kept banging on the door shouting 'let me in big boy, I've got pies and cake'. He said it was someone from down the road that had got drunk and got their houses mixed up. He said the neighbourhood has gone down since I've been away.  I was pleased I'd been using the prison gym whilst I'd been gone as he commented on my flexibility, as now I'm able to get into the doggy style position, which was great, although my tummy tended to slap against my knees a bit too much. I sounded like I was giving myself a round of applause.