Psychic Reading and Bums

Me and the girls went to 'Psychic Night with Derek n' Norah' down the pub last night. It was pretty interesting actually. At the start you could have a reading. You could choose from having your palm read or tarot cards. Bald Pete made a fortune from telling all the women that he was doing rumpology like Jackie Stallone. Apparently she can tell someones fortune from feeling your arse!  He'd made a hundred quid before anyone realised he wasn't an official psychic. He probably could have got away with it for a bit longer if Stinky Bernard hadn't decided that he wanted his fortune told and couldn't be bothered to queue for tarot. Barry the landlord chucked them both out in the end. Bald Pete for being a lying bastard and Stinky Bernard for getting his arse out in the pub. I felt bad for Bernard but also glad that Barry has managed to miss all the times I've done the same. One time the back of my jeans were right down to the back of my knees before I realised. I must have been pretty drunk because I didn't even notice someone putting the cocktail umbrella between my cheeks.

I had a psychic reading with Derek, he was pretty good and said that he'd spoken to all sorts of famous people on the other side like Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Percy Thrower. He had a spirit guide called Jenobo who he said lived centuries before in a bedouin tribe. Apparently my Nan was there in spirit talking to Jenobo and they were having a conversation about Coronation Street. He described Nan as a small lady with white hair and shining eyes, which I said didn't sound like her as Nan was almost six foot, dyed her hair 'Lovely Locks Satan Black' and had to use eye drops for the redness. When I told him this, he said the spirit world was very foggy and it could well have been Granpa.  He also told me that I needed to watch out for a blue car, and also that I was going to find something that was lost very soon.  I hope it's the handbag I lost the other night, I was really annoyed to lose it, not only did it have a fiver in but it also had a glow in the dark condom, a pack of juicy fruit gum and a whole pack of Tena Lady incontinence pads. I don't need to wear them but they are very useful if you've got to walk home from the pub. I used to squat in peoples gardens for a piss but stopped after I slipped backwards on a wet leaf and got a garden ornament wedged somewhere it shouldn't have been.