Back once again (for the renegade master)

I’m sorry I haven't posted for ages,  My phone and internet got cut off after I spent all my dole money on internet bingo. I would normally have gone down the proper bingo hall with Dawn but it was when I had cystitis, I couldn’t risk going out and had to spend my time just sitting on a Tena lady.  I was tapping into next doors wifi for a bit but the signal was really shit. The one time I tried to get closer to their router for a stronger signal, they came home early unexpectedly and now they don’t hide the front door key under the gnome anymore. I’m a bit pissed off about that as they always had nice biscuits in and a bidet, which is really handy if you’ve got to go out on a date but haven’t got time for a shower. Bidet is a funny word, I think it sounds quite posh, if I have a daughter it’s definitely a name I’d consider. Bidet Neveah sounds proper nice. I'd spell it Beedette though. 

Not too much has happened really, Mam has set up a cake making business doing specialty cakes for parties.  She’s pretty good at it, and has made a bomb selling them to people who want them for when their relatives come out of prison, although she has made a couple for people to take on visits, too.

The other day she baked a cake for Rita to smuggle in when she visited Don in prison but she forgot to put the file into it.  Apparently Don was a bit pissed off at first but he managed to swap cake for a couple of bags of cannabis, so it worked out okay. To be honest, I think it was a good thing seeing as Rita forgot she had cake contraband in her knickers and sat down quite heavily within the first five minutes. If the file was in there she could have done herself an injury.

Either that or the file could have been lost for good, or at least until it showed up on some x-ray further down the line. That happened when we took Grandad for a scan, we’d wondered for ages where that whisk had gone.  It was very funny, and now every time we use that whisk, we remember and laugh.

I’ve got a new job as well. It’s working in an old people’s home. They don’t mind about my convictions and, since I accidentally sniffed up that ant powder in the kitchen, my sense of smell isn’t the best which they tell me is a bonus. Not that I have had to clear up anything bad yet, there was a turd on the floor the other day but I kicked it under the bed thinking the next shift could clear it up. I might complain about them to be honest, that was three weeks ago and it’s still there. Lazy bitches.

 I’ve also got access to the store cupboard, they’ve got all sorts of strange stuff in there. I haven’t had a proper look yet but those disposable plastic aprons have already come in handy for when Kev comes round. I was getting so fed up of him popping over just as I was dressed up and ready to go out. There’s only so many times you can wear a giant ’21 Today’ badge over a stain. 

Cosmetic Surgery

I've just got back from visiting Dawn. She's not feeling great at the moment as she's just had some cosmetic surgery that went a bit wrong. I did tell her not to use 'Dr Surjerees Mobile Cosmetic Clinic' as he uses it as a surgery in the day but at night it turns into his mobile kebab van 'Kebabylon'. Kev said one time he had a kebab and he wasn't sure what meat was in it and thought it might be left over from a tummy tuck that had been done earlier. He said it was much tastier than normal.  

Dr Surjeree's name should be Brian but his Mum is dyslexic and spelt it 'Brain' on the birth certificate. It's pretty funny really, but I feel a bit sorry for his brother Malecum. Brain isn't a real Dr but he says in this day and age it doesn't matter and that he has a level 1 health and hygiene certificate so that shows he's not stupid. 

Dawn was meant to have butt implants and lip fillers but Brain had smoked a bit too much weed and got a bit mixed up. Consequently, Dawns lips are bloody massive and she looks like she's got two golf balls in her back pockets. Could have been worse though, our friend Tiffani wanted lip implants too but Brain forgot to ask her what lips she meant before sedating her and now she's got the biggest cameltoe in Manchester. 

Learnings

I’ve learnt a few things this week. One, that priests and vicar men do actually wear things under their church dresses and aren’t like scottish men who let their willy waggle free. And two, they can be quite violent unlike buddhists. I think Jesus would say that kicking someone up the arse was pretty wrong to be honest. I can’t say I ever read it in the bible, although the one I read was ‘Tales of the Bible’ for primary school kids and only ten pages, I think they would have put that bit in if he had done that sort of thing. And then maybe we would have followed his friend Sean instead who was much kinder and didn’t kick women up the bums, even though Sean wasn’t actually the son of god and was just someone Jesus went to school with.

I can’t really remember much about the book to be honest and someone had already drawn cocks coming out of peoples heads before Gran got it out the library. The librarian said if she got rid of all the books that people had drawn cocks in then she’d only have the dictionary and the copy of War and Peace that was used to jam the fire door shut. 

Church is a bit funny though isnt it, I went to spiritualist church the other day and was hoping that the psychic would be able to talk to Gran and ask her where she hid the key for the shed. Grandads ashes are still in there and apparently you can make ashes into diamonds. I think Grandad will make quite a big diamond as the fire brigade had to cut a hole in the wall and crane him out when he had to go to the hospital to have his toenails done. Instead of a small urn the undertaker had to put him in two shoeboxes and a carrier bag. Grandad liked a drink and when he died most of his friends and family thought they would put a bottle of whiskey in his casket. I’ve still got at least a bottle and a half left. 

Tonight, Dawn wants me to go with her to see Fifty Shades of Grey but I don’t want to. I’m sure the writer stole the idea from my earlier blog and the line where I said the sheets were fifty shades of yellow after one particular wild night with Kev.