Morning After!

Home now! I kipped at Dawns last night as neither of us pulled. We almost did but unfortunately, when we got outside into the light they were able to see their watch and they realised that they had to run and catch the last bus. Dawn said they could come back to ours but one of them had athletes foot and had left his medication at home so they had to go. I got one of their numbers though so will give him a call tomorrow.

It's bloody boiling out there today, which luckily made my 'walk of shame' less obvious as there were at least three other girls walking through the precinct in bikinis. Still didn't stop people staring but as I kept saying to them, it costs nothing to look this good and 'starers gotta stare'. Someone else was shouting 'tuck it back in' but it was just for show in front of his girlfriend as she'd clocked him looking.  Anyway, like I was saying, let them stare. They are just way jealous.  Brb. Just going for a piss.

Back, just looked in the mirror and noticed my boob was hanging out.

Anyway, from what I can remember last night was excellent. Me and Dawn walked back past the kebab shop. They do a pretty good offer there, any woman that flashes their arse can get a free can of drink with their kebab meal. Result!

Night out!

I'm off out tonight with Dawn which should be good. She's wild, she is. We're off to Glamour Chicks and luckily if you turn up wearing a bikini you get in free and get given a free cocktail, which is good as I'm a bit skint at the moment. I'll just have to be a bit careful getting there as last time we went I got stopped by the police on the way. They said I was 'outraging public decency' 'causing alarm and distress' and could get done for indecent exposure. It wasn't on purpose though and only one of my flaps had slipped out. Talk about over reacting. I wish they'd do what theyre meant to and solve crimes and shit, Dawns sat nav got stole the other day and they've still not found it. It's not like it was cheap either, it cost her thirty quid from Daz from the pub. He had a few on him but that were the best one.

I've been looking at the papers for jobs and stuff today but they're all really boring. There was one though that I think I might apply for. It's working in the dentist and it's pretty good money and I might be able to get free whitening done too. I've not got bad teeth which me Mam is pleased about seeing as the rest of my family would fit in on the Jeremy Kyle show. I reckon they need to combine Jeremy Kyle with a makeover show. I'd watch it more then. Not that I don't watch it now but I tend to only watch it if there's someone I know on it. I'm not really a regular viewer.

Oswald hasn't texted me for a couple of days, he was annoyed at me because I sent 'LOL' in reply to the photo he texted me the other day where he was naked and wearing clogs. How can you not laugh at that? Men shouldn't be allowed to wear clogs.  Actually, men shouldn't be allowed to wear a lot of footwear. I hate mens toes. I used to have to remind Kev to keep his socks on. His toes were so hairy that his feet looked like five mice chewing a pork chop.

Signing On..

I've just been down the jobcentre to sign on. Apparently if you walk out of your job you can't get any money for a bit, which I don't think is very fair at all. If you don't like your job you should be able to get dole.
Anyway, I told them I was forced to leave as the boss kept looking at me funny over the chilled counter and would lick his lips whilst holding up a packet of chicken drumsticks. I told the woman this and she sat up straight and said no woman should be forced to tolerate that sort of sexist behaviour and  signed me on straight away. Whilst I was there I looked at some of the jobs that were available but there wasn't much that I fancied. Lots of care home jobs but there's no way I can stand working with old people. Just going to see my Nan is bad enough. She always stank of wee and fags though, even when she was much younger. We call her 'Pissy Pauline'. Lately she's hooked up with Mr Patel from down the road. His wife died last year and he's a bit lonely.  I wasn't sure how he could stand to be near her but apparently he has sinus problems and likes playing blackjack.

Talking of stinking of wee, I'm going through febreze like there's no tomorrow since Kev pissed on my mattress. I might have to buy a new one soon which makes me think I'm going to have to get some sort of work to top up my dole. They really won't be giving me enough to live on. Shame I'm infertile, I could have had at least eight kids by now and wouldn't need to work again.  Damn my  broken ovarians! Still, at least I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter when I go out to bingo. Cousin Pam always takes hers with her and puts them under the table with a bottle of irn bru and a blanket for if they get tired. But then she is a devoted mother.

I Quit!

I've had enough! I just quit Spar. My boss said I needed to hand in a resignation letter so I wrote 'Fuck you' and sellotaped it to his head. I think that should do it.

It doesn't matter anyway as I will have the book printed and ready to sell shortly. I have already got a space on Uncle Malc's market stall promised where I can sell it. Malc is a butcher but I told him the book had bits about 'meat and two veg' lol. I think he thinks it's a cookery book.

I might pop down the pub in a minute and see if they want me to reprise my 'Fat Lady Gaga' act. It always goes down well when I do it, and I get bought lots of drinks too. The best night so far was when I went and copied her meat dress look. Barry the landlord provided some buttered baps and at the end of it all the punters helped themselves to the bits of spam I'd stapled to my undies. I felt a bit like one of those things that hang behind the bar with the packs of peanuts on. The ones with the half naked women which makes all the old pervs by more peanuts so they can see more of her.

I've just looked in my purse and am thinking I might not have done the right thing. I only have a tenner and that's got to buy forty fags, some white lightning and a three pack of condoms for Friday night. Me and Dawn are off to 'Glamour Chicks' nightclub as it's free entrance and a cocktail for women who turn up wearing bikinis.