Terrible misunderstanding...

Oh my god! Just had a bit of an embarrassing thing happen.  Nearly got arrested again!  I’d gone to the market with my friend Kerry to buy some coats.  Some of the stalls sell some pretty good knock offs ,  although we’re a bit more careful since the ‘Pubic Enemy’ t-shirt incident.  She’s a pretty big girl so sometimes has to wear mens clothes.

Anyway, I was at the kitchenware stall whilst Kerry was trying on some coats.  She couldn’t decide whether to get the woman’s one (nice colour, bit tight) or the mans one (dull but fitted over her boobs better) the only difference was the hood sizes. The mans one covered her face whilst up and exaggerated her hunchback when down. The womans hood was a bit smaller but she couldn’t zip it up.

WARNING: Do not hold knives whilst shouting ‘You need to cut the man hood off’  ‘You don’t need the man hood, cut it off. It’s a ridiculous shape’

It took a bit of explaining.  I had to tell the police I wasn’t a feminist. They didn’t believe me at first because one of the things I needed to buy at the market was a load of razors for my legs and this bra isn’t the most supportive. 

Sexcellent!

I did it! I’m an author! My book ‘Sexciting Adventures’ has been in the Amazon list of ‘Sex books written by indepent and unpublished people’ for three weeks!  I’ve been all around the country giving talks and meeting fans.  I’ve been to Sunderland, Merthyr Tydfil, Hull, Bolton and Trowbridge and sold books in at least three of these places.   Here is the bit from my poster:

‘Amelia Pepper talks sex, rugs and cock’n rolls’

My agent Len thought it was good. The cock’n roll bit was referring to the time I mistook Kev’s  cock for a sausage, put it in a roll with mustard and was just about to take a bit when I realised.  Kev thought it was some sexy picnic foreplay, but I was just having a snack.  Obviously the rug bit pertains (posh word innit!) to my minge.

Len is trying to get me to do more attention grabbing things. He leaked it to the press that I got felt up by one of the cast of Hollyoaks behind a pub in Bootle but no one seemed to be particularly interested, mind you, Chris and Gwyneth had just split up so the papers were full of that.

  I do have another celeb story though which he is going to release soon. Basically I was at a celebrity party (At least two people from Corrie were there) and I excused myself from a group conversation saying I needed to go and have a crap. There I was, sitting there, knickers round my ankles when one of the band members of Five barged in. Apparently he thought I was giving him signals to meet me in the toilets in three minutes time for a bit of porking. I don’t know who was more surprised.  To be honest, it was a good thing he was there as he was able to pass me some bog roll from another cubicle. The one I was in had run out and I was on the verge of having to use my knickers to wipe.  It’s a bit of a faff doing that as they take ages to dry under the hand dryer. Sometimes I end up putting them back on slighty damp, and then if any bloke tries to cop a feel they think I like them a bit more than I do! It’s got me into some awkward situations. 

Anyway, I’m working on ‘Sexcellent Times’ now which is book two.  Len is also trying to get me my own column in a womans mag. He thinks I’d be suited to Cosmopolitan, but so far only ‘Take a Break’ have been interested.