Psychic Reading and Bums

Me and the girls went to 'Psychic Night with Derek n' Norah' down the pub last night. It was pretty interesting actually. At the start you could have a reading. You could choose from having your palm read or tarot cards. Bald Pete made a fortune from telling all the women that he was doing rumpology like Jackie Stallone. Apparently she can tell someones fortune from feeling your arse!  He'd made a hundred quid before anyone realised he wasn't an official psychic. He probably could have got away with it for a bit longer if Stinky Bernard hadn't decided that he wanted his fortune told and couldn't be bothered to queue for tarot. Barry the landlord chucked them both out in the end. Bald Pete for being a lying bastard and Stinky Bernard for getting his arse out in the pub. I felt bad for Bernard but also glad that Barry has managed to miss all the times I've done the same. One time the back of my jeans were right down to the back of my knees before I realised. I must have been pretty drunk because I didn't even notice someone putting the cocktail umbrella between my cheeks.

I had a psychic reading with Derek, he was pretty good and said that he'd spoken to all sorts of famous people on the other side like Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Percy Thrower. He had a spirit guide called Jenobo who he said lived centuries before in a bedouin tribe. Apparently my Nan was there in spirit talking to Jenobo and they were having a conversation about Coronation Street. He described Nan as a small lady with white hair and shining eyes, which I said didn't sound like her as Nan was almost six foot, dyed her hair 'Lovely Locks Satan Black' and had to use eye drops for the redness. When I told him this, he said the spirit world was very foggy and it could well have been Granpa.  He also told me that I needed to watch out for a blue car, and also that I was going to find something that was lost very soon.  I hope it's the handbag I lost the other night, I was really annoyed to lose it, not only did it have a fiver in but it also had a glow in the dark condom, a pack of juicy fruit gum and a whole pack of Tena Lady incontinence pads. I don't need to wear them but they are very useful if you've got to walk home from the pub. I used to squat in peoples gardens for a piss but stopped after I slipped backwards on a wet leaf and got a garden ornament wedged somewhere it shouldn't have been. 

Pubic Enemy..

I'm enjoying doing the phone chat but it is pretty hard sometimes. It's okay when all they want you to do is breathe down the phone. I can do that because breathing is something I'd be doing anyway. But it's the pretending that sometimes gets a bit difficult. I'm a very honest person and so when they ask me questions like 'what are you wearing' sometimes it throws me off guard and I actually tell them! The other day it was giant pants from Asda, a pair of wellies and a t-shirt I got cheap from the market due to a printing error. It was meant to be a Public Enemy t-shirt but the trainee forgot to put the 'l' on it. Kev said pubic enemy would be a good name for hair removal cream. That was one of the funniest things Kev ever said. Actually I think it was the only funny thing he ever said.

My honesty gets me into trouble sometimes. It did with Kev, like the time he asked me what I liked best about his body and I told him it was the fact that he was so fat he made me look dead slim when I was next to him. Now he's going out with fat Carol who is just as round as him! I imagine him and Carol running at each other and bouncing off like those people wearing inflatable sumo suits. I bet they are like two walruses mating. I saw them the other day coming out of the bakery. Carol was wearing leggings which was a huge mistake as she had the worst camel toe ever. It was more like a whole camel foot! It put images in my mind I don't want to even think about! I mean Kev isn't the biggest man ever. Well he is. But he has a tiny cock. It would be like a small canoe going up the suez canal. Sometimes when we were in bed instead of thinking about shopping or cakes I'd come up with names for his small cock. I had 'petit peni' 'tiny todger' 'mini member' 'weenie wiener' and 'diddy dick'. Luckily he stopped asking me what I was thinking since the time  I told him I was thinking about Sid from the butchers and half a pound of best sausage. Well, he did ask! I'm just way too honest for my own good.

Oh shit, look at the time. I need to go to sleep. I have someone from the council coming round in the morning and I need to rearrange the spare room to make it look as if Gran is still alive. Bloody bedroom tax! Luckily it's pension day tomorrow so at least I can go to the pub later!

Shopping!!

I got paid yesterday so me and Dawn went on a girly day of shopping. It was mental fun!

We started off at Wetherspoons with a pint to get us on our way and got the 9am bus to town. I don't like getting the bus really because of all the morons on there. If you want to listen to your music loud I don't see why you shouldn't. Anyway I think the rest of the bus were enjoying it. It was just him that said something. Who the hell doesn't like 2Unlimited? 

Once we got there we spent a hilarious hour in Ann Summers laughing at all the stuff. Dawns Gran had got her an Ann Summers voucher for her birthday which she spent on a PVC nurses costume, a handbag sized vibrator (one that fits in your bag, not one the same size as your bag, they were too expensive) and some glow in the dark massage oil. I bought some chocolate body paint in a squeezy tube which is much easier to put on your pancakes than the stuff in the jar. I don't tend to use it in the bedroom as, although it smells nice it makes all your clothes stick to you afterwards and once I managed to get a smear of it on my white skirt and Oswald thought I'd shit myself. 

We also went to the make up counter in Debenhams to get new make up. The girl on the counter said I was wearing foundation that was 5 shades to dark for me! That surprised me as I thought it was at least seven shades darker. She also when you put it on you have to blend it into your neck! LOL. They will say anything to make you buy stuff. It's for your face you idiot! We didn't buy anything in there as it's way too dear. So we went to the pound shop and got some stuff there which was good. I always get Oswalds aftershave from there as he wears Crisp Winter which is the cheap copy of Cool Water. It smells lovely for the first hour but then smells a bit gone off.  I managed to get one of the first pound shop copies of the new Katy Perry perfume just as they were putting on the shelf. It says on the box 'Hog the Bog' instead of 'Own the Throne' but it smells lovely. Like air freshener mixed with a faint scent of spice.  Although that sounds a bit like my bathroom on a Sunday morning! LOL! 

Hello, my name is Ameeeeelia....

Sorry I've been a bit shit at blogging lately. I've been well busy! I managed to get myself a job. I am a operator for a sex chat line! I was one of the live webcam ones but all the blokes that signed on and saw me on screen didn't stay on for very long. I think they were having the same problem as Kev, he just found me so irresistible that it didn't take very long at all. Sometimes I hadn't even got me knickers off. One time I hadn't even come out of the bathroom.

Anyway, they moved me onto just the phone line and I got myself a cordless headset that I wear so I can go and have a wee and stuff even if I'm on the phone. It's pretty good actually although sometimes I forget that someone is there listening, especially if they are just breathing and snorting. The dog makes the same sounds when he's cleaning his arse so sometimes I think it's him and forget about the people on the other end of the phone, unless they say something like 'I'm coming' dead loud.That happened the other day, I was sat having my lunch and they said something like 'I'm almost there'  and it was so bloody loud I dropped my steak pie down my front and ended up shouting things like 'oh that's hot' and 'oh god it's spurting all over the place' and 'it's dripping down my leg'. Luckily the bloke didn't seem to mind and is now one of my best customers.

Last week I had a dead bad cold though and my voice went really deep and husky, I was a bit worried that I would have to have some days off and not be earning but luckily they put me on a different number and I pretended I was a bloke called Christopher. It was a bit awkward though when the man from the council was round checking the boiler and I had to be on the phone saying things like 'I have a massive cock too'. I had to pretend I was talking to a chicken breeder on the phone as I'm meant to be unemployed and I don't want them stopping my dole yet. Not till I've finished paying for my new hot tub for the back garden.