My Fair Laydee!

I sometimes forget I even have a blog, what with my exciting life and that. It’s been a whirlwind since my book was published and I even got interviewed by the Wirral Post. It was great although they spelt my name wrong and put Amelia Popper. Which made my friends laugh and say I was farting through the interview. Which was not true. And anyway, they were silent ones. I also joined an acting group which is ace. 

We get to perform all kinds of stuff. Some of it is a bit too complicated and depressing though so we decided that to bring happiness to the people we should change the endings.  Gareth, who is in charge called it ‘reinventing and shining the light of happiness into a void of gloom’ which is a bit of a mouthful.  Talking of mouthfuls, Kev is trying to win me back with handfuls of flowers, which is nice but I’m allergic so have to put them outside which is a bit of a risk seeing as the garden he stole them from is only four doors down.

Last night we did Hamlet at the Scout Hut. They loved it. Especially the bit where Horatio says ‘goodnight, sweet prince. Let flights of angels sing thee to thy rest’ and Hamlet does a huge snore and we all start singing ‘Return of the Mac’ dressed in raincoats. Gareth says the people that don’t understand that bit ‘simple minded, lowbrow plebs’ which I thought was a bit mean but the last time someone disagreed with him they got given the part of ‘dog turd no.1’ and spent the hour and a half dressed in a brown suit lying in a fetus position on stage. It spoilt it a bit because halfway he had to get up and sing ‘I could have danced all night’ as Brenda has a terrible voice and can’t reach the high notes and it didn’t make sense having a male poo singing in a womans voice.

I’m getting quite cultured lately. I went to see a Michael Buble tribute act the other day called ‘Mike Bubbly’ and he was good. He was so good when he went off the audience shouted for an encore. We had to wait a while though till he came back because he didn’t realise and he was sat on the bog drinking whiskey, having taken off his fake nose. In the hurry to get back he put it on upside down, couldn’t breathe and then fainted halfway through ‘I just haven’t met you yet’ and banged his head. Barry the landlord did a collection for a remembrance plaque though, which was nice.

This weekend I am going to see the lights at Blackpool. I like Blackpool. I might move there actually because I like fish and chips and a lot of the people there are really ugly and I like standing next to them. I have a bit of a complex about my looks since school. There was a really horrible girl there called Julie and she said I looked like a man. Which was really upsetting but also indirectly led to my brother Donald putting on a wig and standing in for me in lessons I didn’t like.  Don’t tell anyone but that’s why I won the womens gold medal for javelin a couple of years ago.  I’m pretty good at running though, but that’s from all the times I was having sex in the park and had to avoid getting caught by angry parents and the police. 

Lime Disease

 I have some sort of chest infection.  I reckon I caught it off a FIT bloke I met the other day.The sex was great but I didn't  take his number due to my bus arriving, I had to get on it straight away as the bus driver was glaring at me and I would have missed the start of the football if he'd driven off.

 Anyway, I'm feeling pretty miserable. Finding it really difficult to breathe and walking anywhere is impossible, I've had to order an online shop from Asda to get me fags. There was no way I was going to ration the ones I did have at just 25 a day.

I rang my friend Melanie to come and visit, but she's hanging round the jobcentre this afternoon trying to get onto one of them telly shows about people on benefits. She's thinking that if she can get on one of them she can get her own show or something. Either that or one of the kids can be the next Honey Boo Boo. She's not sure which of her kids would be the best on telly, I'd say it was a choice between Scowt or McKenzer, whilst she reckons it's either Gok-Wan or Nevaeh.

As ill as I am I'm actually pretty excited about my new column for You Da Woman! magazine. I will be doing the sex and love column and giving advice and tips and all that sort of thing. I think it will be great! All the letters will be printed as anonymous so that people don't feel embarrassed to write to me. We're really keen to ensure that, so people know that they can ask what they like and nothing comes back to them. It's all done in the strictest confidence.

So far I've answered this: (still in progress) (Tom from the greengrocers helped me a bit too, he enjoys reading them all)

Dear Kelly Shepherd, Dundonald Road, Harlow,

If he's the one in the 'Grans 80th Birthday' album on your Facebook page, then he's well ugly. And if he really does think that a 69 is an ice cream without a flake then you need to get rid. He might have a good personality but no one can tell that if you're just walking down the street with him. Unless you wear a t-shirt saying 'he's a nice bloke, even if he looks rubbish'  I'm all for going out with people because of their personality but they need to have a bit more going for them. I spent ages with Kev but that was because he was pretty adventurous in bed and had a discount card for Nandos....

Anyway, it's not finished yet. I'll try and finish it later. I have to go to the doctors in a minute. I haven't been since I thought I had rectal cancer and it turned out to be a boiled sweet stuck up there. I wouldn't have been as worried, but it was a bright green lime one.

Terrible misunderstanding...

Oh my god! Just had a bit of an embarrassing thing happen.  Nearly got arrested again!  I’d gone to the market with my friend Kerry to buy some coats.  Some of the stalls sell some pretty good knock offs ,  although we’re a bit more careful since the ‘Pubic Enemy’ t-shirt incident.  She’s a pretty big girl so sometimes has to wear mens clothes.

Anyway, I was at the kitchenware stall whilst Kerry was trying on some coats.  She couldn’t decide whether to get the woman’s one (nice colour, bit tight) or the mans one (dull but fitted over her boobs better) the only difference was the hood sizes. The mans one covered her face whilst up and exaggerated her hunchback when down. The womans hood was a bit smaller but she couldn’t zip it up.

WARNING: Do not hold knives whilst shouting ‘You need to cut the man hood off’  ‘You don’t need the man hood, cut it off. It’s a ridiculous shape’

It took a bit of explaining.  I had to tell the police I wasn’t a feminist. They didn’t believe me at first because one of the things I needed to buy at the market was a load of razors for my legs and this bra isn’t the most supportive. 

Sexcellent!

I did it! I’m an author! My book ‘Sexciting Adventures’ has been in the Amazon list of ‘Sex books written by indepent and unpublished people’ for three weeks!  I’ve been all around the country giving talks and meeting fans.  I’ve been to Sunderland, Merthyr Tydfil, Hull, Bolton and Trowbridge and sold books in at least three of these places.   Here is the bit from my poster:

‘Amelia Pepper talks sex, rugs and cock’n rolls’

My agent Len thought it was good. The cock’n roll bit was referring to the time I mistook Kev’s  cock for a sausage, put it in a roll with mustard and was just about to take a bit when I realised.  Kev thought it was some sexy picnic foreplay, but I was just having a snack.  Obviously the rug bit pertains (posh word innit!) to my minge.

Len is trying to get me to do more attention grabbing things. He leaked it to the press that I got felt up by one of the cast of Hollyoaks behind a pub in Bootle but no one seemed to be particularly interested, mind you, Chris and Gwyneth had just split up so the papers were full of that.

  I do have another celeb story though which he is going to release soon. Basically I was at a celebrity party (At least two people from Corrie were there) and I excused myself from a group conversation saying I needed to go and have a crap. There I was, sitting there, knickers round my ankles when one of the band members of Five barged in. Apparently he thought I was giving him signals to meet me in the toilets in three minutes time for a bit of porking. I don’t know who was more surprised.  To be honest, it was a good thing he was there as he was able to pass me some bog roll from another cubicle. The one I was in had run out and I was on the verge of having to use my knickers to wipe.  It’s a bit of a faff doing that as they take ages to dry under the hand dryer. Sometimes I end up putting them back on slighty damp, and then if any bloke tries to cop a feel they think I like them a bit more than I do! It’s got me into some awkward situations. 

Anyway, I’m working on ‘Sexcellent Times’ now which is book two.  Len is also trying to get me my own column in a womans mag. He thinks I’d be suited to Cosmopolitan, but so far only ‘Take a Break’ have been interested.