Learnings

I’ve learnt a few things this week. One, that priests and vicar men do actually wear things under their church dresses and aren’t like scottish men who let their willy waggle free. And two, they can be quite violent unlike buddhists. I think Jesus would say that kicking someone up the arse was pretty wrong to be honest. I can’t say I ever read it in the bible, although the one I read was ‘Tales of the Bible’ for primary school kids and only ten pages, I think they would have put that bit in if he had done that sort of thing. And then maybe we would have followed his friend Sean instead who was much kinder and didn’t kick women up the bums, even though Sean wasn’t actually the son of god and was just someone Jesus went to school with.

I can’t really remember much about the book to be honest and someone had already drawn cocks coming out of peoples heads before Gran got it out the library. The librarian said if she got rid of all the books that people had drawn cocks in then she’d only have the dictionary and the copy of War and Peace that was used to jam the fire door shut. 

Church is a bit funny though isnt it, I went to spiritualist church the other day and was hoping that the psychic would be able to talk to Gran and ask her where she hid the key for the shed. Grandads ashes are still in there and apparently you can make ashes into diamonds. I think Grandad will make quite a big diamond as the fire brigade had to cut a hole in the wall and crane him out when he had to go to the hospital to have his toenails done. Instead of a small urn the undertaker had to put him in two shoeboxes and a carrier bag. Grandad liked a drink and when he died most of his friends and family thought they would put a bottle of whiskey in his casket. I’ve still got at least a bottle and a half left. 

Tonight, Dawn wants me to go with her to see Fifty Shades of Grey but I don’t want to. I’m sure the writer stole the idea from my earlier blog and the line where I said the sheets were fifty shades of yellow after one particular wild night with Kev.