My Fair Laydee!

I sometimes forget I even have a blog, what with my exciting life and that. It’s been a whirlwind since my book was published and I even got interviewed by the Wirral Post. It was great although they spelt my name wrong and put Amelia Popper. Which made my friends laugh and say I was farting through the interview. Which was not true. And anyway, they were silent ones. I also joined an acting group which is ace. 

We get to perform all kinds of stuff. Some of it is a bit too complicated and depressing though so we decided that to bring happiness to the people we should change the endings.  Gareth, who is in charge called it ‘reinventing and shining the light of happiness into a void of gloom’ which is a bit of a mouthful.  Talking of mouthfuls, Kev is trying to win me back with handfuls of flowers, which is nice but I’m allergic so have to put them outside which is a bit of a risk seeing as the garden he stole them from is only four doors down.

Last night we did Hamlet at the Scout Hut. They loved it. Especially the bit where Horatio says ‘goodnight, sweet prince. Let flights of angels sing thee to thy rest’ and Hamlet does a huge snore and we all start singing ‘Return of the Mac’ dressed in raincoats. Gareth says the people that don’t understand that bit ‘simple minded, lowbrow plebs’ which I thought was a bit mean but the last time someone disagreed with him they got given the part of ‘dog turd no.1’ and spent the hour and a half dressed in a brown suit lying in a fetus position on stage. It spoilt it a bit because halfway he had to get up and sing ‘I could have danced all night’ as Brenda has a terrible voice and can’t reach the high notes and it didn’t make sense having a male poo singing in a womans voice.

I’m getting quite cultured lately. I went to see a Michael Buble tribute act the other day called ‘Mike Bubbly’ and he was good. He was so good when he went off the audience shouted for an encore. We had to wait a while though till he came back because he didn’t realise and he was sat on the bog drinking whiskey, having taken off his fake nose. In the hurry to get back he put it on upside down, couldn’t breathe and then fainted halfway through ‘I just haven’t met you yet’ and banged his head. Barry the landlord did a collection for a remembrance plaque though, which was nice.

This weekend I am going to see the lights at Blackpool. I like Blackpool. I might move there actually because I like fish and chips and a lot of the people there are really ugly and I like standing next to them. I have a bit of a complex about my looks since school. There was a really horrible girl there called Julie and she said I looked like a man. Which was really upsetting but also indirectly led to my brother Donald putting on a wig and standing in for me in lessons I didn’t like.  Don’t tell anyone but that’s why I won the womens gold medal for javelin a couple of years ago.  I’m pretty good at running though, but that’s from all the times I was having sex in the park and had to avoid getting caught by angry parents and the police.