All That's Certain is Death and Taxis AKA 'Baby, you're a firework'

Today it will have been three years since Gran died. We had a bit of a party for her at the weekend where we ate loads of food and danced to 'Get Down On It', which was her favourite song. It was quite nice until Cousin Peter drank too much and started having pretend sex with the teapot. That would have been okay if it had stopped there, but his wife Trisha started making comments about his performance in the bedroom and he threw the dog at her. Luckily she caught it.

As it's been a while now we've started to think about what to do with her ashes, as we can't keep her under the sink forever. It took us ages to dry her out when we had the leak. She's taking up quite a bit of space as she was a big lady, she was 6'3 and 30 stone when she died (she would have been taller but she had that old lady thing where you get a bit crooked and lose a few inches in height) so she's filling up almost half of the Tesco carrier.

Mam wanted to do that thing where they turn the ashes into a diamond and put it into a piece of jewellery which I thought would be quite apt as Gran was always down the pawn shop, and that way she'd still be able to visit. It was a bit more expensive than we thought though and we only had enough money to turn her into a bit of coal, which is apparently only halfway to a diamond. Mam asked if they could turn her into a cubic zirconia instead, so we're still waiting to hear how much that would be.

Cousin Terry wanted to put her into a firework which we thought was a good idea too, but he lost two fingers doing a practice one so we decided not to go ahead with that. It was a massive coincidence, though, the firework he was carrying exploded right on the doorstep of his ex wife's new house. Maybe it was Gran giving him a sign or something.

It was pretty sad but we did all have a laugh at all our funny memories of her, like the time Terry accidentally left her in the taxi, turns out that the funeral director would have come to the house to get her, so Terry needn't have had to paid for a taxi after all. We managed to get her back before anyone realised and she was put into lost property or something. Luckily the taxi driver didn't realise she was dead and when Terry finally caught up said they'd had a great conversation, all about the state of the country today and how no one has any morals these days. Gran would have agreed if she'd been able to, she was all for morals, she was. In fact, she split up with Edwin because he made a racist comment about Mr Khan. Luckily she didn't have to go through an expensive divorce because the fact she was still married to George meant the marriage wasn't legal anyway.