This Place is Coming Like a Ghost Tour (sang in the voice of Terry Hall)

We had a bloody great night last night. The pub had organised one of those haunted house tours. A fiver each and that included a can of bitter, a warm sausage roll AND the coach journey to and from the pub so me, Dawn and our Mam all went.

Apparently Vincent House was the home of some smugglers who smuggled tea and brandy until they were caught and punished. Chubby John said they wander the corridors under the house crying 'get us a brewwwwww'. Which is actually a bit shit when you think about it really. I think if I was a ghost I'd shout something a bit scarier like 'your pubes are showing', 'the council are going to evict you for non payment of rent' or ' Your real Mother is Noel Edmonds'. 

Anyway, we got to there about half ten, it was quite late  but Flora the tour guide said that ghosts prefer to come out between 11pm and 4am. Which is fair enough, really as that's the time I get going properly especially if I've been drinking since 7, so me and the ghosts already had something in common. After we had a tour round the house we split into two groups and our group went into the basement and waited for some ghostly action. It was pretty exciting! At one point Dawn screamed and got really scared because the back of her skirt lifted up but it just turned out to be just Bald Pete. Then Flora got really jumpy and said the clapping noise and foul smell was 'indicative of paranormal activity' but it was just the kebab I had for my dinner repeating on me. Luckily we were in total darkness, so no one could see me having to change me knickers.

 Matt got hit on the head by something small and sticky which Flora said was ectoplasm it looked just like the piece of gum I'd just gobbed out when I laughed out loud at one of Trevor's jokes, luckily Flora spotted it first otherwise I would have grabbed it off his head and put it back in my mouth, especially as it actually smelt nice and minty. It was such good fun that we were really sad that it ended earlier than expected. Mam's group came down into the dark basement to join us and they'd only been there ten seconds when Flora screamed something about seeing a face glowing in the dark and then fainted. Turned out Mam got my glow in the dark massage oil mixed up with her Oil of Olay. Funnily enough, I think someone else in the group had the exact same thing happen to them too, as I could see two glowing faces, I never found out who it was as everyone else denied it, but Barry the landlord did have a glowing hand print on his crotch. 

All That's Certain is Death and Taxis AKA 'Baby, you're a firework'

Today it will have been three years since Gran died. We had a bit of a party for her at the weekend where we ate loads of food and danced to 'Get Down On It', which was her favourite song. It was quite nice until Cousin Peter drank too much and started having pretend sex with the teapot. That would have been okay if it had stopped there, but his wife Trisha started making comments about his performance in the bedroom and he threw the dog at her. Luckily she caught it.

As it's been a while now we've started to think about what to do with her ashes, as we can't keep her under the sink forever. It took us ages to dry her out when we had the leak. She's taking up quite a bit of space as she was a big lady, she was 6'3 and 30 stone when she died (she would have been taller but she had that old lady thing where you get a bit crooked and lose a few inches in height) so she's filling up almost half of the Tesco carrier.

Mam wanted to do that thing where they turn the ashes into a diamond and put it into a piece of jewellery which I thought would be quite apt as Gran was always down the pawn shop, and that way she'd still be able to visit. It was a bit more expensive than we thought though and we only had enough money to turn her into a bit of coal, which is apparently only halfway to a diamond. Mam asked if they could turn her into a cubic zirconia instead, so we're still waiting to hear how much that would be.

Cousin Terry wanted to put her into a firework which we thought was a good idea too, but he lost two fingers doing a practice one so we decided not to go ahead with that. It was a massive coincidence, though, the firework he was carrying exploded right on the doorstep of his ex wife's new house. Maybe it was Gran giving him a sign or something.

It was pretty sad but we did all have a laugh at all our funny memories of her, like the time Terry accidentally left her in the taxi, turns out that the funeral director would have come to the house to get her, so Terry needn't have had to paid for a taxi after all. We managed to get her back before anyone realised and she was put into lost property or something. Luckily the taxi driver didn't realise she was dead and when Terry finally caught up said they'd had a great conversation, all about the state of the country today and how no one has any morals these days. Gran would have agreed if she'd been able to, she was all for morals, she was. In fact, she split up with Edwin because he made a racist comment about Mr Khan. Luckily she didn't have to go through an expensive divorce because the fact she was still married to George meant the marriage wasn't legal anyway.

Hola!

Hola!

Please forgive my lack of blogs lately. I’ve been in a Spanish prison for drug smuggling! I know, right!  

It all started when Dawn got us an amaaaazing deal staying at a dead posh place called the Casa de Net a Maracas Hotel.  Two weeks, full board for 99 quids. Apparently tourism isn’t doing too great here at the moment since they banned people from drinking in the street. Total idiots, how else are you going to get even more pissed on the way to the next bar?! Anyway, it was dead ace, the breakfast was all you can eat, although by the second day I was told to limit it to five platefuls which was a bit annoying. The beach was good too, and it was pretty secure, I left my cans of lager on the beach and the next morning they were still there. The opened one was a bit flat but at least no one had nicked them. We met these dead fit blokes on the beach the same day we arrived. They were from Newcastle and one of them’s cousin was friends with someone from Geordie Shore! I love Geordie Shore. If I win the lottery I’m getting my nose done like the girls in it. Like Michael Jacksons nose but more tanned.

Anyway, Dawn copped off with one called Greg and my one were called Sean.  He was so fit, like that actor from Emmerdale, you know that one that says ‘eeh’ a lot. We did it five times that first night, in the pool, on the beach, in the club, although the club shag was only a quickie as they started playing the Macarena and the dance floor got rammed, so we had to move back to our table.  Later on that week I won a dance competition, for ‘best bellydance’ which was good. It’s actually the easiest dance to do as I only need to wobble a couple of times and my belly jiggles for at least three minutes afterwards, all I need to do is move my arms around slightly. 

On the last night we were dead sad about leaving Greg and Sean. I was so depressed Sean packed my suitcase for me whilst I lay on the bed eating chocolate and drinking sangria from the bottle. I’d lost a lot of my clothes due to drunkenly stripping off all over town and forgetting where I’d left them, although luckily one of the hotel staff found my knickers stuffed in the pocket of the pool table, which must have got there when I was playing with some balls. LOL.

Luckily the loss of clothing meant that there was enough room in my suitcase for the souvenir Spanish donkey Sean wanted me to take back for his friend. The postage was too expensive for Sean to send it by airmail but he’d spoken to his friend and he said it was fine to pick it up from mine or Dawn’s in Manchester. That just shows how thoughtful Sean is, he wanted to give his friend a nice Spanish present for his birthday. Most men just say ‘I’ll get you a beer’. Which is okay at first but when you’ve asked for the new Beyonce album, and you just get a pint of John Smith’s it’s a bit shit, especially when you paid for a bargain bucket, two bottles of White Lightening, three Pina Colada condoms AND a box set of Steven Segal films for theirs. 

Anyways, when we got to the airport though the sniffer dogs went mad. I wasn’t too worried at first because as Kev always said, my natural body odour smells ‘beefy’. When they came back from checking my suitcase I was mortified when they said there were drugs. I told them it was all Sean’s doing and it must have been in that bloody donkey, but turned out it was a bag of weed I’d stuffed in the fake hairbun I’d bought from ‘Pound Country’ a couple of months ago.  I’d put it in there for when I did my ‘Peru Two’ smuggling hairband craft video for Youtube.  Kirsty Allsop has made millions from craft so I thought I would have a go, too.  It’s going well, I have fifteen views already, although one of them was me, I think. 

Back once again (for the renegade master)

I’m sorry I haven't posted for ages,  My phone and internet got cut off after I spent all my dole money on internet bingo. I would normally have gone down the proper bingo hall with Dawn but it was when I had cystitis, I couldn’t risk going out and had to spend my time just sitting on a Tena lady.  I was tapping into next doors wifi for a bit but the signal was really shit. The one time I tried to get closer to their router for a stronger signal, they came home early unexpectedly and now they don’t hide the front door key under the gnome anymore. I’m a bit pissed off about that as they always had nice biscuits in and a bidet, which is really handy if you’ve got to go out on a date but haven’t got time for a shower. Bidet is a funny word, I think it sounds quite posh, if I have a daughter it’s definitely a name I’d consider. Bidet Neveah sounds proper nice. I'd spell it Beedette though. 

Not too much has happened really, Mam has set up a cake making business doing specialty cakes for parties.  She’s pretty good at it, and has made a bomb selling them to people who want them for when their relatives come out of prison, although she has made a couple for people to take on visits, too.

The other day she baked a cake for Rita to smuggle in when she visited Don in prison but she forgot to put the file into it.  Apparently Don was a bit pissed off at first but he managed to swap cake for a couple of bags of cannabis, so it worked out okay. To be honest, I think it was a good thing seeing as Rita forgot she had cake contraband in her knickers and sat down quite heavily within the first five minutes. If the file was in there she could have done herself an injury.

Either that or the file could have been lost for good, or at least until it showed up on some x-ray further down the line. That happened when we took Grandad for a scan, we’d wondered for ages where that whisk had gone.  It was very funny, and now every time we use that whisk, we remember and laugh.

I’ve got a new job as well. It’s working in an old people’s home. They don’t mind about my convictions and, since I accidentally sniffed up that ant powder in the kitchen, my sense of smell isn’t the best which they tell me is a bonus. Not that I have had to clear up anything bad yet, there was a turd on the floor the other day but I kicked it under the bed thinking the next shift could clear it up. I might complain about them to be honest, that was three weeks ago and it’s still there. Lazy bitches.

 I’ve also got access to the store cupboard, they’ve got all sorts of strange stuff in there. I haven’t had a proper look yet but those disposable plastic aprons have already come in handy for when Kev comes round. I was getting so fed up of him popping over just as I was dressed up and ready to go out. There’s only so many times you can wear a giant ’21 Today’ badge over a stain. 

Cosmetic Surgery

I've just got back from visiting Dawn. She's not feeling great at the moment as she's just had some cosmetic surgery that went a bit wrong. I did tell her not to use 'Dr Surjerees Mobile Cosmetic Clinic' as he uses it as a surgery in the day but at night it turns into his mobile kebab van 'Kebabylon'. Kev said one time he had a kebab and he wasn't sure what meat was in it and thought it might be left over from a tummy tuck that had been done earlier. He said it was much tastier than normal.  

Dr Surjeree's name should be Brian but his Mum is dyslexic and spelt it 'Brain' on the birth certificate. It's pretty funny really, but I feel a bit sorry for his brother Malecum. Brain isn't a real Dr but he says in this day and age it doesn't matter and that he has a level 1 health and hygiene certificate so that shows he's not stupid. 

Dawn was meant to have butt implants and lip fillers but Brain had smoked a bit too much weed and got a bit mixed up. Consequently, Dawns lips are bloody massive and she looks like she's got two golf balls in her back pockets. Could have been worse though, our friend Tiffani wanted lip implants too but Brain forgot to ask her what lips she meant before sedating her and now she's got the biggest cameltoe in Manchester. 

Learnings

I’ve learnt a few things this week. One, that priests and vicar men do actually wear things under their church dresses and aren’t like scottish men who let their willy waggle free. And two, they can be quite violent unlike buddhists. I think Jesus would say that kicking someone up the arse was pretty wrong to be honest. I can’t say I ever read it in the bible, although the one I read was ‘Tales of the Bible’ for primary school kids and only ten pages, I think they would have put that bit in if he had done that sort of thing. And then maybe we would have followed his friend Sean instead who was much kinder and didn’t kick women up the bums, even though Sean wasn’t actually the son of god and was just someone Jesus went to school with.

I can’t really remember much about the book to be honest and someone had already drawn cocks coming out of peoples heads before Gran got it out the library. The librarian said if she got rid of all the books that people had drawn cocks in then she’d only have the dictionary and the copy of War and Peace that was used to jam the fire door shut. 

Church is a bit funny though isnt it, I went to spiritualist church the other day and was hoping that the psychic would be able to talk to Gran and ask her where she hid the key for the shed. Grandads ashes are still in there and apparently you can make ashes into diamonds. I think Grandad will make quite a big diamond as the fire brigade had to cut a hole in the wall and crane him out when he had to go to the hospital to have his toenails done. Instead of a small urn the undertaker had to put him in two shoeboxes and a carrier bag. Grandad liked a drink and when he died most of his friends and family thought they would put a bottle of whiskey in his casket. I’ve still got at least a bottle and a half left. 

Tonight, Dawn wants me to go with her to see Fifty Shades of Grey but I don’t want to. I’m sure the writer stole the idea from my earlier blog and the line where I said the sheets were fifty shades of yellow after one particular wild night with Kev.

My Fair Laydee!

I sometimes forget I even have a blog, what with my exciting life and that. It’s been a whirlwind since my book was published and I even got interviewed by the Wirral Post. It was great although they spelt my name wrong and put Amelia Popper. Which made my friends laugh and say I was farting through the interview. Which was not true. And anyway, they were silent ones. I also joined an acting group which is ace. 

We get to perform all kinds of stuff. Some of it is a bit too complicated and depressing though so we decided that to bring happiness to the people we should change the endings.  Gareth, who is in charge called it ‘reinventing and shining the light of happiness into a void of gloom’ which is a bit of a mouthful.  Talking of mouthfuls, Kev is trying to win me back with handfuls of flowers, which is nice but I’m allergic so have to put them outside which is a bit of a risk seeing as the garden he stole them from is only four doors down.

Last night we did Hamlet at the Scout Hut. They loved it. Especially the bit where Horatio says ‘goodnight, sweet prince. Let flights of angels sing thee to thy rest’ and Hamlet does a huge snore and we all start singing ‘Return of the Mac’ dressed in raincoats. Gareth says the people that don’t understand that bit ‘simple minded, lowbrow plebs’ which I thought was a bit mean but the last time someone disagreed with him they got given the part of ‘dog turd no.1’ and spent the hour and a half dressed in a brown suit lying in a fetus position on stage. It spoilt it a bit because halfway he had to get up and sing ‘I could have danced all night’ as Brenda has a terrible voice and can’t reach the high notes and it didn’t make sense having a male poo singing in a womans voice.

I’m getting quite cultured lately. I went to see a Michael Buble tribute act the other day called ‘Mike Bubbly’ and he was good. He was so good when he went off the audience shouted for an encore. We had to wait a while though till he came back because he didn’t realise and he was sat on the bog drinking whiskey, having taken off his fake nose. In the hurry to get back he put it on upside down, couldn’t breathe and then fainted halfway through ‘I just haven’t met you yet’ and banged his head. Barry the landlord did a collection for a remembrance plaque though, which was nice.

This weekend I am going to see the lights at Blackpool. I like Blackpool. I might move there actually because I like fish and chips and a lot of the people there are really ugly and I like standing next to them. I have a bit of a complex about my looks since school. There was a really horrible girl there called Julie and she said I looked like a man. Which was really upsetting but also indirectly led to my brother Donald putting on a wig and standing in for me in lessons I didn’t like.  Don’t tell anyone but that’s why I won the womens gold medal for javelin a couple of years ago.  I’m pretty good at running though, but that’s from all the times I was having sex in the park and had to avoid getting caught by angry parents and the police. 

Lime Disease

 I have some sort of chest infection.  I reckon I caught it off a FIT bloke I met the other day.The sex was great but I didn't  take his number due to my bus arriving, I had to get on it straight away as the bus driver was glaring at me and I would have missed the start of the football if he'd driven off.

 Anyway, I'm feeling pretty miserable. Finding it really difficult to breathe and walking anywhere is impossible, I've had to order an online shop from Asda to get me fags. There was no way I was going to ration the ones I did have at just 25 a day.

I rang my friend Melanie to come and visit, but she's hanging round the jobcentre this afternoon trying to get onto one of them telly shows about people on benefits. She's thinking that if she can get on one of them she can get her own show or something. Either that or one of the kids can be the next Honey Boo Boo. She's not sure which of her kids would be the best on telly, I'd say it was a choice between Scowt or McKenzer, whilst she reckons it's either Gok-Wan or Nevaeh.

As ill as I am I'm actually pretty excited about my new column for You Da Woman! magazine. I will be doing the sex and love column and giving advice and tips and all that sort of thing. I think it will be great! All the letters will be printed as anonymous so that people don't feel embarrassed to write to me. We're really keen to ensure that, so people know that they can ask what they like and nothing comes back to them. It's all done in the strictest confidence.

So far I've answered this: (still in progress) (Tom from the greengrocers helped me a bit too, he enjoys reading them all)

Dear Kelly Shepherd, Dundonald Road, Harlow,

If he's the one in the 'Grans 80th Birthday' album on your Facebook page, then he's well ugly. And if he really does think that a 69 is an ice cream without a flake then you need to get rid. He might have a good personality but no one can tell that if you're just walking down the street with him. Unless you wear a t-shirt saying 'he's a nice bloke, even if he looks rubbish'  I'm all for going out with people because of their personality but they need to have a bit more going for them. I spent ages with Kev but that was because he was pretty adventurous in bed and had a discount card for Nandos....

Anyway, it's not finished yet. I'll try and finish it later. I have to go to the doctors in a minute. I haven't been since I thought I had rectal cancer and it turned out to be a boiled sweet stuck up there. I wouldn't have been as worried, but it was a bright green lime one.

Terrible misunderstanding...

Oh my god! Just had a bit of an embarrassing thing happen.  Nearly got arrested again!  I’d gone to the market with my friend Kerry to buy some coats.  Some of the stalls sell some pretty good knock offs ,  although we’re a bit more careful since the ‘Pubic Enemy’ t-shirt incident.  She’s a pretty big girl so sometimes has to wear mens clothes.

Anyway, I was at the kitchenware stall whilst Kerry was trying on some coats.  She couldn’t decide whether to get the woman’s one (nice colour, bit tight) or the mans one (dull but fitted over her boobs better) the only difference was the hood sizes. The mans one covered her face whilst up and exaggerated her hunchback when down. The womans hood was a bit smaller but she couldn’t zip it up.

WARNING: Do not hold knives whilst shouting ‘You need to cut the man hood off’  ‘You don’t need the man hood, cut it off. It’s a ridiculous shape’

It took a bit of explaining.  I had to tell the police I wasn’t a feminist. They didn’t believe me at first because one of the things I needed to buy at the market was a load of razors for my legs and this bra isn’t the most supportive. 

Sexcellent!

I did it! I’m an author! My book ‘Sexciting Adventures’ has been in the Amazon list of ‘Sex books written by indepent and unpublished people’ for three weeks!  I’ve been all around the country giving talks and meeting fans.  I’ve been to Sunderland, Merthyr Tydfil, Hull, Bolton and Trowbridge and sold books in at least three of these places.   Here is the bit from my poster:

‘Amelia Pepper talks sex, rugs and cock’n rolls’

My agent Len thought it was good. The cock’n roll bit was referring to the time I mistook Kev’s  cock for a sausage, put it in a roll with mustard and was just about to take a bit when I realised.  Kev thought it was some sexy picnic foreplay, but I was just having a snack.  Obviously the rug bit pertains (posh word innit!) to my minge.

Len is trying to get me to do more attention grabbing things. He leaked it to the press that I got felt up by one of the cast of Hollyoaks behind a pub in Bootle but no one seemed to be particularly interested, mind you, Chris and Gwyneth had just split up so the papers were full of that.

  I do have another celeb story though which he is going to release soon. Basically I was at a celebrity party (At least two people from Corrie were there) and I excused myself from a group conversation saying I needed to go and have a crap. There I was, sitting there, knickers round my ankles when one of the band members of Five barged in. Apparently he thought I was giving him signals to meet me in the toilets in three minutes time for a bit of porking. I don’t know who was more surprised.  To be honest, it was a good thing he was there as he was able to pass me some bog roll from another cubicle. The one I was in had run out and I was on the verge of having to use my knickers to wipe.  It’s a bit of a faff doing that as they take ages to dry under the hand dryer. Sometimes I end up putting them back on slighty damp, and then if any bloke tries to cop a feel they think I like them a bit more than I do! It’s got me into some awkward situations. 

Anyway, I’m working on ‘Sexcellent Times’ now which is book two.  Len is also trying to get me my own column in a womans mag. He thinks I’d be suited to Cosmopolitan, but so far only ‘Take a Break’ have been interested. 

Psychic Reading and Bums

Me and the girls went to 'Psychic Night with Derek n' Norah' down the pub last night. It was pretty interesting actually. At the start you could have a reading. You could choose from having your palm read or tarot cards. Bald Pete made a fortune from telling all the women that he was doing rumpology like Jackie Stallone. Apparently she can tell someones fortune from feeling your arse!  He'd made a hundred quid before anyone realised he wasn't an official psychic. He probably could have got away with it for a bit longer if Stinky Bernard hadn't decided that he wanted his fortune told and couldn't be bothered to queue for tarot. Barry the landlord chucked them both out in the end. Bald Pete for being a lying bastard and Stinky Bernard for getting his arse out in the pub. I felt bad for Bernard but also glad that Barry has managed to miss all the times I've done the same. One time the back of my jeans were right down to the back of my knees before I realised. I must have been pretty drunk because I didn't even notice someone putting the cocktail umbrella between my cheeks.

I had a psychic reading with Derek, he was pretty good and said that he'd spoken to all sorts of famous people on the other side like Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Percy Thrower. He had a spirit guide called Jenobo who he said lived centuries before in a bedouin tribe. Apparently my Nan was there in spirit talking to Jenobo and they were having a conversation about Coronation Street. He described Nan as a small lady with white hair and shining eyes, which I said didn't sound like her as Nan was almost six foot, dyed her hair 'Lovely Locks Satan Black' and had to use eye drops for the redness. When I told him this, he said the spirit world was very foggy and it could well have been Granpa.  He also told me that I needed to watch out for a blue car, and also that I was going to find something that was lost very soon.  I hope it's the handbag I lost the other night, I was really annoyed to lose it, not only did it have a fiver in but it also had a glow in the dark condom, a pack of juicy fruit gum and a whole pack of Tena Lady incontinence pads. I don't need to wear them but they are very useful if you've got to walk home from the pub. I used to squat in peoples gardens for a piss but stopped after I slipped backwards on a wet leaf and got a garden ornament wedged somewhere it shouldn't have been. 

Pubic Enemy..

I'm enjoying doing the phone chat but it is pretty hard sometimes. It's okay when all they want you to do is breathe down the phone. I can do that because breathing is something I'd be doing anyway. But it's the pretending that sometimes gets a bit difficult. I'm a very honest person and so when they ask me questions like 'what are you wearing' sometimes it throws me off guard and I actually tell them! The other day it was giant pants from Asda, a pair of wellies and a t-shirt I got cheap from the market due to a printing error. It was meant to be a Public Enemy t-shirt but the trainee forgot to put the 'l' on it. Kev said pubic enemy would be a good name for hair removal cream. That was one of the funniest things Kev ever said. Actually I think it was the only funny thing he ever said.

My honesty gets me into trouble sometimes. It did with Kev, like the time he asked me what I liked best about his body and I told him it was the fact that he was so fat he made me look dead slim when I was next to him. Now he's going out with fat Carol who is just as round as him! I imagine him and Carol running at each other and bouncing off like those people wearing inflatable sumo suits. I bet they are like two walruses mating. I saw them the other day coming out of the bakery. Carol was wearing leggings which was a huge mistake as she had the worst camel toe ever. It was more like a whole camel foot! It put images in my mind I don't want to even think about! I mean Kev isn't the biggest man ever. Well he is. But he has a tiny cock. It would be like a small canoe going up the suez canal. Sometimes when we were in bed instead of thinking about shopping or cakes I'd come up with names for his small cock. I had 'petit peni' 'tiny todger' 'mini member' 'weenie wiener' and 'diddy dick'. Luckily he stopped asking me what I was thinking since the time  I told him I was thinking about Sid from the butchers and half a pound of best sausage. Well, he did ask! I'm just way too honest for my own good.

Oh shit, look at the time. I need to go to sleep. I have someone from the council coming round in the morning and I need to rearrange the spare room to make it look as if Gran is still alive. Bloody bedroom tax! Luckily it's pension day tomorrow so at least I can go to the pub later!

Shopping!!

I got paid yesterday so me and Dawn went on a girly day of shopping. It was mental fun!

We started off at Wetherspoons with a pint to get us on our way and got the 9am bus to town. I don't like getting the bus really because of all the morons on there. If you want to listen to your music loud I don't see why you shouldn't. Anyway I think the rest of the bus were enjoying it. It was just him that said something. Who the hell doesn't like 2Unlimited? 

Once we got there we spent a hilarious hour in Ann Summers laughing at all the stuff. Dawns Gran had got her an Ann Summers voucher for her birthday which she spent on a PVC nurses costume, a handbag sized vibrator (one that fits in your bag, not one the same size as your bag, they were too expensive) and some glow in the dark massage oil. I bought some chocolate body paint in a squeezy tube which is much easier to put on your pancakes than the stuff in the jar. I don't tend to use it in the bedroom as, although it smells nice it makes all your clothes stick to you afterwards and once I managed to get a smear of it on my white skirt and Oswald thought I'd shit myself. 

We also went to the make up counter in Debenhams to get new make up. The girl on the counter said I was wearing foundation that was 5 shades to dark for me! That surprised me as I thought it was at least seven shades darker. She also when you put it on you have to blend it into your neck! LOL. They will say anything to make you buy stuff. It's for your face you idiot! We didn't buy anything in there as it's way too dear. So we went to the pound shop and got some stuff there which was good. I always get Oswalds aftershave from there as he wears Crisp Winter which is the cheap copy of Cool Water. It smells lovely for the first hour but then smells a bit gone off.  I managed to get one of the first pound shop copies of the new Katy Perry perfume just as they were putting on the shelf. It says on the box 'Hog the Bog' instead of 'Own the Throne' but it smells lovely. Like air freshener mixed with a faint scent of spice.  Although that sounds a bit like my bathroom on a Sunday morning! LOL! 

Hello, my name is Ameeeeelia....

Sorry I've been a bit shit at blogging lately. I've been well busy! I managed to get myself a job. I am a operator for a sex chat line! I was one of the live webcam ones but all the blokes that signed on and saw me on screen didn't stay on for very long. I think they were having the same problem as Kev, he just found me so irresistible that it didn't take very long at all. Sometimes I hadn't even got me knickers off. One time I hadn't even come out of the bathroom.

Anyway, they moved me onto just the phone line and I got myself a cordless headset that I wear so I can go and have a wee and stuff even if I'm on the phone. It's pretty good actually although sometimes I forget that someone is there listening, especially if they are just breathing and snorting. The dog makes the same sounds when he's cleaning his arse so sometimes I think it's him and forget about the people on the other end of the phone, unless they say something like 'I'm coming' dead loud.That happened the other day, I was sat having my lunch and they said something like 'I'm almost there'  and it was so bloody loud I dropped my steak pie down my front and ended up shouting things like 'oh that's hot' and 'oh god it's spurting all over the place' and 'it's dripping down my leg'. Luckily the bloke didn't seem to mind and is now one of my best customers.

Last week I had a dead bad cold though and my voice went really deep and husky, I was a bit worried that I would have to have some days off and not be earning but luckily they put me on a different number and I pretended I was a bloke called Christopher. It was a bit awkward though when the man from the council was round checking the boiler and I had to be on the phone saying things like 'I have a massive cock too'. I had to pretend I was talking to a chicken breeder on the phone as I'm meant to be unemployed and I don't want them stopping my dole yet. Not till I've finished paying for my new hot tub for the back garden.

Morning After!

Home now! I kipped at Dawns last night as neither of us pulled. We almost did but unfortunately, when we got outside into the light they were able to see their watch and they realised that they had to run and catch the last bus. Dawn said they could come back to ours but one of them had athletes foot and had left his medication at home so they had to go. I got one of their numbers though so will give him a call tomorrow.

It's bloody boiling out there today, which luckily made my 'walk of shame' less obvious as there were at least three other girls walking through the precinct in bikinis. Still didn't stop people staring but as I kept saying to them, it costs nothing to look this good and 'starers gotta stare'. Someone else was shouting 'tuck it back in' but it was just for show in front of his girlfriend as she'd clocked him looking.  Anyway, like I was saying, let them stare. They are just way jealous.  Brb. Just going for a piss.

Back, just looked in the mirror and noticed my boob was hanging out.

Anyway, from what I can remember last night was excellent. Me and Dawn walked back past the kebab shop. They do a pretty good offer there, any woman that flashes their arse can get a free can of drink with their kebab meal. Result!

Night out!

I'm off out tonight with Dawn which should be good. She's wild, she is. We're off to Glamour Chicks and luckily if you turn up wearing a bikini you get in free and get given a free cocktail, which is good as I'm a bit skint at the moment. I'll just have to be a bit careful getting there as last time we went I got stopped by the police on the way. They said I was 'outraging public decency' 'causing alarm and distress' and could get done for indecent exposure. It wasn't on purpose though and only one of my flaps had slipped out. Talk about over reacting. I wish they'd do what theyre meant to and solve crimes and shit, Dawns sat nav got stole the other day and they've still not found it. It's not like it was cheap either, it cost her thirty quid from Daz from the pub. He had a few on him but that were the best one.

I've been looking at the papers for jobs and stuff today but they're all really boring. There was one though that I think I might apply for. It's working in the dentist and it's pretty good money and I might be able to get free whitening done too. I've not got bad teeth which me Mam is pleased about seeing as the rest of my family would fit in on the Jeremy Kyle show. I reckon they need to combine Jeremy Kyle with a makeover show. I'd watch it more then. Not that I don't watch it now but I tend to only watch it if there's someone I know on it. I'm not really a regular viewer.

Oswald hasn't texted me for a couple of days, he was annoyed at me because I sent 'LOL' in reply to the photo he texted me the other day where he was naked and wearing clogs. How can you not laugh at that? Men shouldn't be allowed to wear clogs.  Actually, men shouldn't be allowed to wear a lot of footwear. I hate mens toes. I used to have to remind Kev to keep his socks on. His toes were so hairy that his feet looked like five mice chewing a pork chop.

Signing On..

I've just been down the jobcentre to sign on. Apparently if you walk out of your job you can't get any money for a bit, which I don't think is very fair at all. If you don't like your job you should be able to get dole.
Anyway, I told them I was forced to leave as the boss kept looking at me funny over the chilled counter and would lick his lips whilst holding up a packet of chicken drumsticks. I told the woman this and she sat up straight and said no woman should be forced to tolerate that sort of sexist behaviour and  signed me on straight away. Whilst I was there I looked at some of the jobs that were available but there wasn't much that I fancied. Lots of care home jobs but there's no way I can stand working with old people. Just going to see my Nan is bad enough. She always stank of wee and fags though, even when she was much younger. We call her 'Pissy Pauline'. Lately she's hooked up with Mr Patel from down the road. His wife died last year and he's a bit lonely.  I wasn't sure how he could stand to be near her but apparently he has sinus problems and likes playing blackjack.

Talking of stinking of wee, I'm going through febreze like there's no tomorrow since Kev pissed on my mattress. I might have to buy a new one soon which makes me think I'm going to have to get some sort of work to top up my dole. They really won't be giving me enough to live on. Shame I'm infertile, I could have had at least eight kids by now and wouldn't need to work again.  Damn my  broken ovarians! Still, at least I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter when I go out to bingo. Cousin Pam always takes hers with her and puts them under the table with a bottle of irn bru and a blanket for if they get tired. But then she is a devoted mother.

I Quit!

I've had enough! I just quit Spar. My boss said I needed to hand in a resignation letter so I wrote 'Fuck you' and sellotaped it to his head. I think that should do it.

It doesn't matter anyway as I will have the book printed and ready to sell shortly. I have already got a space on Uncle Malc's market stall promised where I can sell it. Malc is a butcher but I told him the book had bits about 'meat and two veg' lol. I think he thinks it's a cookery book.

I might pop down the pub in a minute and see if they want me to reprise my 'Fat Lady Gaga' act. It always goes down well when I do it, and I get bought lots of drinks too. The best night so far was when I went and copied her meat dress look. Barry the landlord provided some buttered baps and at the end of it all the punters helped themselves to the bits of spam I'd stapled to my undies. I felt a bit like one of those things that hang behind the bar with the packs of peanuts on. The ones with the half naked women which makes all the old pervs by more peanuts so they can see more of her.

I've just looked in my purse and am thinking I might not have done the right thing. I only have a tenner and that's got to buy forty fags, some white lightning and a three pack of condoms for Friday night. Me and Dawn are off to 'Glamour Chicks' nightclub as it's free entrance and a cocktail for women who turn up wearing bikinis.

Salami

I know I should have written more stuff lately but I've been so busy trying to finish my book and working double shifts at Spar. I'm getting a bit sick of it actually. I got a warning the other day for eating a salami at the checkout. The manager said I'd made it worse by eating it 'suggestively' but I was just trying to get all the flavour out whilst the customer fannied about re-arranging her cat food on the counter. 

I've practically finished my book now. I just need to draw two more penises and a pair of boobs and I'm done. I hope people buy it. The woman that did Fifty Shades of Grey got loads of money for writing a load of fantasies that she made up to escape from her boring life. At least I'm living the dream, I can see a penis any time I want to. In fact, I can see one now as I can see into my neighbours window from here and he's walking round naked, like he thinks no one is watching him. What a total perv!

 

My old friend Neville used to live near to Deirdre from Coronation Street and she didn't have frosted windows in her bathroom. Well, not until Neville had his mates round and she got treated to lots of shouts of 'Deirdre's having a pooh'. I felt a bit sorry for her when he told me, but who doesn't have frosted glass in their toilet? That's asking for trouble. The only person I know that doesn't have them is Stinky Bernard, not since he slipped and fell headfirst into his window. The council boarded it up but he took it down. He says the lack of window reminds him of when he was a kid and his mum made him crap in the neighbours garden. 

I haven't seen much of Oswald lately as he is doing a stripping tour around Holland it's called 'Nether Regions in the Netherlands' but he should be back soon. He sends me nice texts and photos of his cock which is nice but a bit boring really as it looks the same in each picture. I might suggest he starts putting mini hats on it, or drawing a face on it just so I know he's not sending the same photo over and over. 

I'm finishing this here as I can smell a really horrible smell and it's putting me off.

Spaniels

My book is coming along pretty good I think. Margaret who owns the bookshop in town says she'll stock ten copies once it's done. She's dyslexic I don't know if she can even actually read, to be honest. She inherited the shop from her dead husband and just spends the time sat on the counter doing her nails. She got raided a while back because a load of jihadists were stocking books in the business section. She got a fine but wasn't send to prison or owt. She thought they'd said profit.

I am quite artistic but even I'm having trouble with the drawings of the positions. It took me a few hours the other night to draw a penis that didn't look like a spaniels face with droopy ears. I think I'm getting better at it though. I might set up a website soon too. I'm seeing Oswald tonight but it's getting a bit boring to be honest, it's okay, but he's a bit vain and his beauty products take up way too much space in the bathroom when he stays over.Also, when we have sex he spends way too much time looking at himself in the mirror and practicing his orgasm face.  The other night he'd forgotten his baby oil and had a bit of a hissy fit. I told him he could use one of my solid massage bars from lush but forgotten I'd used it to free Kev when he got his head stuck between the bars of my bed. I had to spray a small piece of lard with some deodorant in the end. I do like watching him do his stripping/dance show down the local pub though and I like that the other girls are jealous. But I get a bit annoyed when he rubs his crotch in OAPs faces, even if they do enjoy it and give him money. He got a bit too close the other day and Mr Perkins false teeth fell out.

Book!

Well, I can tell you that I'm now over Kev. Not that I was ever under him much. It was a bit like having an elephant as a duvet! After several cracked ribs I had to demand we found new positions. Which has been a blessing in disguise, as I am now working on my book on how to do sex! It's called 'Sexciting Adventures' and has positions such as 'tossing the caber' and 'toad in the hole'. All of which I have thought of myself! 

I haven't seen Kev much lately. I went round a few days ago to get the bottle of lube I'd left round there as Oswald the stripper was coming round that night. He didn't answer the door, and as I knew where he keeps his spare key I thought I'd just go in and grab it only to find him and porky Carol from number 33 rolling around on a black PVC sheet on top of a load of profiteroles! 

Things are going great with Oswald though, he's VERY well endowed. More so than Kev, who I had to stop having naked picnics with since a very unfortunate incident where I thought there was a cocktail sausage in with the scotch eggs, it was covered in mustard and half in my mouth before I realised. 

My book is almost finished, it's taken me ages to do all the drawings for it but luckily I have some photos of Kev on my computer that I can include in the chapter 'Fun with doughnuts'   

I Miss Kev

I can't write much today, I feel a bit sad about Kev. I mean, he wasn't all that and he was tremendously fat and a bit boring. But I will miss him. I've been thinking about all the times we've had together, like the time that we did Cosmopolitan magazines 'position of the week' and his back locked, the time that his landlord walked in when we were playing naked twister and the time I decided to lick ice cream off his bits not realising he was allergic to strawberries. We did have some fun together. And I'm really depressed. Apart from the ten seconds outside of 'Champagnes' that doesn't even really count (see post below) I haven't even looked at another man. Kev was my everything. He was my world. I'm even going to miss his hairy back.
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.


Wooooo!!! The male stripper I gave my number to at Kaths hen party just this second texted me!  I wasn't sure if he would. Normally, you have a snog and a grope with someone round the back of the pub and never hear from them again..

Battenburg

Kev finished with me this morning.  I'm not sure how long it will last this time but he seemed pretty narked with me. It started last night when he came round. He was still pretty annoyed about his hospital visit and nothing was really cheering him up. So I suggested a bit of bondage. Well, Kev used to be a Sea Scout, so anything to do with rope and knots he really enjoys, so he was really up for that. I got a bit annoyed at him telling me what knot to do (and what not to do! LOL) and giving me instructions so I stuffed a pair of my knickers in his mouth. Don't worry, I'd only worn them once! I tied him up and was just about to go and put on my shiny black outfit I'd made ( I've worked out it cost me 77p to make! That's pretty good value isn't it!) when Mrs Potts from down the road knocked on the door and asked me if I'd seen Fluffy.
I knew I'd seen him earlier by the off licence so I walked back down with her to see if we could spot him. Luckily, on the way we saw him doing a shit in Stinky Bernards garden. Mrs Potts was so pleased she offered me a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Well, I love cake so how could I resist. After a few pieces of battenburg I was on my way home when I bumped into Dawn who had a voucher for bingo. Ten quids worth of free games! It was turning into my lucky night. My night got even better when I won £75 on one of the games. That called for a celebration so we went to the pub on the way back, and then back to Dawns to finish off the last of the Ouzo  that her Mum brought her back from her holidays.  I drank so much I fell asleep on her sofa and finally wandered home around 11 to watch This Morning. When I arrived I found the window cleaner and two of his mates stood on the bay window looking into my bedroom. It was then I realised I'd left Kev tied to my bed.  He was pretty cross and I might need to get a new mattress if the Febreze doesn't work. Hopefully, he'll forgive me soon.

Hungover..

I'm so hungover I don't think it's possible to write much today. Kaths hen do was bloody great. We had the lot, strippers, giant inflatable cocks to carry, even some that whistled when you blew them! I best not try that on Kev though, he's still feeling a bit fragile. He's home from the hospital though, which is good but in a really bad mood. Not even the crotchless undies cheered him up! The only thing that made him smile was a cheese and onion pasty from Greggs.  Anyway, I can't be bothered doing much today so I'm just lying around in my undies reading. Just read an article on the Cosmopolitan site about when to introduce sex toys into your relationship! Probably best not to do what I did. I thought it would be good to surprise Kev with it first thing in the morning when he was asleep. He's not a morning person but I've never seen him jump out of bed so fast! Apparently you're meant to use lots of lube. Before me Kev didn't really know much about toys. He thought a cock ring was 'to make it look nice for parties' Well, I don't know what sort of parties he was going to! LOL!

Eurgh. Think I'm going to be sick. Friday night's kebab wasn't probably the best thing to eat for breakfast when I'm feeling fragile.

Vajasterous

I've just come back from the hospital. I'm okay luckily but Kevs had a bit of a traumatic time and they are keeping him in for observation.  It started yesterday when I had a girlie day out with me mates. It's Kaths hen party this weekend and so we thought we'd do something classy and get a vajazzle. I'd wanted one ever since I saw it on The Only Way is Essex.  It was a bit of an experience and I almost got chucked out after punching the woman. I didn't mean to, I just didn't know they had to wax you first. It was well painful! I just thought they nestled some diamantes in between the hair. Well, I know now. I had to tell her I had tourettes and it was part of the syndrome. To be more believable I shouted 'sparkly pussy' every few minutes.  It took a while deciding what to get but in the end I chose a butterfly alighting on a pint of beer.  And it looked great! Kath got a dolphin, Kerry got a rose and Dawn got a moustache made out of black diamante. After seeing it I wish I'd got the same.  I went home and had me tea and waited for Kev to come over. You should have seen his face light up when I whipped me pants off!  He went down there to inspect further and I was really enjoying  it (well as much as I can when I'm concentrating on making sure my pelvic muscles are tight) but after a minute or so he started making a funny noise. Well, I'd given myself a proper scrub with the flannel so I knew I didn't smell.  At first I thought he was having a heart attack or something and panicked but turns out he'd breathed in too hard and several diamantes had gone up his nose.  The doctors are waiting to see if they will dislodge themselves and are keeping him in overnight.

Here's One I Made Earlier :)

Kev asked me the other day to dress up as one of them dominatrix women. I said yeah but that was before I saw the prices of the outfits. They are well expensive! I suppose the good thing about them is that they are wipe clean so you could wear them to toddlers parties and paintballing and get your moneys worth, but at the moment I'm a bit too skint to buy anything. Luckily I grew up watching Blue Peter and thought I'll make my own! Kev was amazed by my outfit made from two black bin bags and the dogs old lead. I did do Madonna style pointy tits but when I painted two ice cream cones in black gloss, they went a bit soggy and ended up pointing down and to the side. Kev was so happy he only lasted ten seconds, so I'm not sure I'll do it again. On the plus side I ordered him to mow the lawn for me (no, I don't mean shave my minge, I meant the actual grass in the garden) before he got any action and I stood there in my outfit hitting my hand with Gramps back scratcher and drinking a can of Woodpecker trying to look stern.  The lawn was a bit of a mess though. Kev says it's because of randy moles. I'm not sure what an American country singer wants with my lawn but he can sod off. LOLZ.  I am getting a bit sick of the neighbours being so bloody nosy though. The kid from next door was jumping higher and higher on his trampoline trying to get a better look before his Mum called him in for tea. 

Dogging Part 2

I've just come back from dogging. It was so cold I can still hang a hat off my nipples. I just tried with Gramps old flat cap and it stayed on a whole minute.  It was quite eventful. We got to the middle of the park and I took me tracksuit off and got down to my undies. There was some people already there waiting and they had a fire going. They all seemed a bit surprised to see me, but when you're dogging you have to always act surprised just in case someone is an undercover copper.  I wasn't too sure what to do so I did a bit of a sexy dance and did some twirls and stuff like that. They didn't look too impressed until I took my bra off and then someone said 'Jesus Christ' so I think they really liked it. I couldn't really see much as it was very dark and I couldn't really see out the mask but I knew they were enjoying it so I took off my knickers too.  Someone had obviously too much drink to settle their nerves ( I had to drink two whole bottles of White Lightning and a bottle of white rum before I left the house tonight!) as I could hear them being sick behind a tree, which kind of put me off a bit as it put me off my rhythm. Whenever I need to do a sexy dance I hum 'Theres No Limit' by 2Unlimited. It's just right and has a sexy beat but the person being sick put me off my stride and by that time I'd got a bit tired and my thighs were chafing so I wandered off to find Kev. He hadn't come with me as he needed to go for a 'number two' so went to find a bush before getting down to 'business'. I finally found him and he was all too happy to go home as he'd been bitten on his cock by an ant and it had swollen up to the size of one of those haggis things you can get in Asda. I had a good time with one of those once so I made him hurry home and got a few bounces on it before it deflated. It was great.  BEST SEX YET!

Dogging! Woof!

I'd noticed that he didn't seem as excited to see me as he used to. To be exact, he's at least two centimetres less excited than he used to be.  I pointed it out, but he said it was because he'd just had a hot shower and things shrink in a hot wash. I know my Nan used to say this a lot. Maybe Gramps had the same problem.

Later he asked me if I'd ever been dogging. He looked at me a bit funny when I said I used to go with me Dad every Thursday night, but I explained that you could get a free bet, a pint of lager and a pie for a fiver. Which, in my mind, is pretty good value. Anyway, apparently dogging is where you go and have sex outside and other people watch and join in. I thought he'd heard about the time I went to 'Champagnes' club and was trying to catch me out, so I denied all knowledge. It wasn't really proper sex as it was only in for ten seconds before a policeman shouted at us and we went home.

   He said he'd watched a program about it  and thought it looked interesting so I said we could try it out. He said that because it's all meant to be top secret that we needed a mask. I wasn't going to spend my fag and booze money on new ones as I had two left over from Halloween. I let him have first choice and he chose the Bart Simpson one.

I'm back!

Hello, all. I haven't been able to blog for a while as I've been 'away'. According to the benefits people and judges, working as a 'fat Lady Gaga strippergram' at the weekends is apparently a job.

I thought he'd be more pleased to see me, as the only thing he does is go to Over Eaters Anon.  When I dropped by, he answered the door wearing nothing but a smile and a Greggs pasty bag. He looked surprised but I think it was because he was expecting me back next week. We got down to it in front of the gas fire and it was great, although some woman kept banging on the door shouting 'let me in big boy, I've got pies and cake'. He said it was someone from down the road that had got drunk and got their houses mixed up. He said the neighbourhood has gone down since I've been away.  I was pleased I'd been using the prison gym whilst I'd been gone as he commented on my flexibility, as now I'm able to get into the doggy style position, which was great, although my tummy tended to slap against my knees a bit too much. I sounded like I was giving myself a round of applause.

Action!

I didn't see him tonight as he was at his Over Eaters Anon meeting so I thought I'd have myself some alone fun. I'd ordered the 3D version of The Lovers Guide and settled down to watch it with a glass of lambrusco and some crisps. It was quite educational but the 3D was a bit off putting as I kept jumping every time a giant willy came out of the screen towards me.

Here is a picture I drew of when I was watching a film about worms in 3D.